


The Terrors of Loneliness

by KathrynRuthD



Category: Richard Armitage - Fandom, Spooks | MI-5
Genre: Angst, F/M, Richard Armitage - Freeform, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-09
Updated: 2013-01-09
Packaged: 2017-11-24 08:06:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 31,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/632262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KathrynRuthD/pseuds/KathrynRuthD
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hannah is all alone in the world until she gets caught up in something that introduces her to Lucas North, MI5 agent. With her already fragile world turned upside down, she turns to him for support.</p><p>A [Spooks] fanfic, this takes place some time after series 8 but is essentially AU as it ignores the events of series 9.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: [Spooks], Lucas North and all other characters you may recognise belong to the BBC and Kudos. All original characters and the plot belong to me.

It wasn't often she got lost. She could have sworn she knew the way so had decided not to take a map...anyway, she had GPRS on her phone, how hard could it be to find for goodness sake? Admitting defeat she took the phone out of her bag and was horrified to discover that it was dead. She could have screamed. This was stupid and she was going to be horribly late...if she ever got there! She looked at her watch and sighed. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be. She was supposed to be at a job interview in exactly 10 minutes and had no idea if she was even close to where she needed to be. She stopped and looked around her in the vain hope of seeing a telephone box. The street seemed unusually quiet for London, and as she looked around a shiver ran down her spine. Suddenly aware of her surroundings she realised that all the nearby buildings were derelict. There was no telephone box in sight and she was developing a very uneasy feeling. She couldn't put her finger on it but she was sure she was being watched.

 

She turned around and started to walk back in the direction from which she had come. It seemed the most sensible option. She walked past a side entrance to one of the buildings and was suddenly aware that she wasn't alone. Too scared to turn around she quickened her pace but was brought to a halt by his voice "Stop and don't move." She stood still, hardly daring to breathe. She sensed him move behind her and felt his breath on her ear as he whispered, "If you make a single sound I'll have to use this," and she felt something hard pushed into her back. Without seeing it she knew it was a gun. "Nod if you understand," his whisper sounded harsh and terrifying. She nodded shakily.

 

He grabbed her arm and pulled her backwards into the side entrance he'd been hiding in. She was trying to think straight but panic was setting in and tears had already started falling down her cheeks. She was shaking from head to foot and her heart was racing so fast she felt sick. He was still behind her so she hadn't seen him but she sensed he was slightly taller than her and probably a lot stronger. Trying to overpower him would be foolish and she had no idea how to disarm someone who had a gun pressed to your back. She didn't want to die.

 

Suddenly she heard the sound of someone running and then a voice shouting. "Selby...Selby...I know you're there...if you give yourself up I'll make sure you're protected. You can't run all your life."

 

The man behind her suddenly put his arm around her neck and she felt the coldness of metal against her temple. She stifled a cry and whispered, "Please...please don't hurt me." His response was to press the gun harder against her head and push her forwards out into the street.

 

As they stepped back out into the street, she could see another man standing a few metres away. He was pointing a gun at them. She was getting hysterical now. She didn't understand what was happening she just wanted it to stop. She heard him swear, "Shit Selby...let the girl go, this has nothing to do with her."

 

Selby didn't move. "You must think I'm stupid. If I let her go you'll kill me. Now, put the gun down or I'll shoot her."

 

She found she couldn't breathe properly, panic was taking over. She was vaguely aware of the words "Help me" leaving her lips and then darkness overcame her and she passed out.

 

\--

 

Lucas North was horrified when he saw Selby had a hostage. This wasn't supposed to happen. It should have been a straightforward operation. They knew he was working alone. He was just some madman with a grudge. He'd shot a prominent politician earlier in the day and they'd followed him here before losing him briefly when he'd ditched his phone. He hadn't intended to kill Selby. He was hoping to wound him at the very most, disarm him and then take him in for questioning. Selby appearing with the girl was a complication he didn't need. "Shit....shit!"

 

Lucas knew Selby would have no qualms about shooting the girl. He could see she knew it too. She looked like she was having some sort of panic attack. She was breathing heavily and all the colour had drained from her face. He heard her plea for help, and as she passed out she slumped back against Selby, her head falling to one side away from the gun he had pressed to her temple. Selby turned his head to look at her in surprise and Lucas took his chance. He pulled the trigger and the bullet caught Selby in the head, throwing him backwards. The girl fell with him and Lucas ran over.

 

He heard the sound of Dimitri running up behind him. "Is he dead?" he asked as Lucas knelt down next to Selby and the girl. Lucas nodded.

 

"How the hell did this happen?" Dimitri asked.

 

"I don't know, he just appeared with her. You better call for an ambulance." Lucas checked the girl was breathing. She seemed to be unhurt but was out cold. He gently picked her up and lifted her away from Selby's body. He laid her back down on the ground with her legs bent. He took his jacket off and gently slipped it under her head. As the blood flowed back to her head he saw her eyelids flutter and she moved her head slightly. "It's OK, you're safe now," he said softly. Her eyes flew open and the look of terror returned to her face. He gently touched her face and repeated his words, "You're safe now."

 

\--

 

She looked up at the man she'd last seen pointing his gun in her direction, "What happened? Who are you?"

 

He smiled softly, his face full of concern. "Plenty of time for that...the ambulance will be here soon."

 

Suddenly she became aware that she was covered in blood and the panic set in again. She started screaming, the terror of what had happened returning. She found a pair of strong arms wrapped around her, holding her close to him, whispering calming words, gently rocking her back and forth. "It's OK, it's not your blood...you're safe now."

 

She heard sirens and another voice say "The ambulance is here."

 

Before she knew what was happening she was lying in the ambulance with an oxygen mask on to help with the panic. The paramedic was speaking to her but she wasn't listening. She realised he was asking for her name and she lifted the mask and whispered, "It's Hannah...Hannah Curtis."

 

The paramedic smiled, "Well Hannah, you're going to be OK but we're going to take you to the hospital and get you properly checked over, OK?"

 

Hannah nodded and wondered if she'd ever find out what the hell just happened to her.


	2. Chapter 2

Lucas North stood in the doorway to Hannah Curtis's hospital room watching her sleep. She looked calm and peaceful now if still a little pale. She was curled on her side in an almost foetal position with both hands tucked under her chin and a mass of dark curls framing her face. She looked incredibly vulnerable and he felt surprisingly protective towards her. It wasn't like he knew her...not really. They'd run the usual checks on her. She was 30, currently unemployed, lived alone in a big house in North London and had no family that they could trace. She'd lost both parents in a car crash about 5 years ago and the house had been the family home. It seemed she was quite alone in the world and he wondered how she'd cope with that after what had happened.

 

Lucas shook himself. He couldn't stand here all day staring at Hannah; he needed to talk to her. The Selby incident was something MI5 wanted kept quiet. They needed to make sure she wouldn't go to the press and shout about how she'd been held at gunpoint. The press would have a field day if they found out that Selby had the opportunity to take a hostage. He sat down on the chair next to the bed and touched her arm gently, "Hannah..." he said softly.

 

She stirred and looked up at him drowsily with a pair of pale green eyes that added to her look of vulnerability. Lucas felt something stir in his heart. "Christ she's beautiful," he thought. Quickly putting the thought to the back of his mind he smiled at her, "Hi Hannah, my name's Daniel."

 

\--

 

Hannah looked at this man sat next to her. He looked familiar but her head was so muzzy she couldn't think straight. He said his name was Daniel and he was smiling at her. She turned her head to look around the room. "Where am I?" she asked.

 

"You're in hospital Hannah. Do you remember what happened to you?" Daniel had a deep velvety voice, it sounded soothing somehow and she thought she'd heard it before.

 

She frowned and looked back at his face. Suddenly the memory came flooding back and she gasped out loud at the shock. "He was going to kill me wasn't he?" she whispered fearfully. Not waiting for an answer, she stared into his eyes and said "Is he dead? Did you kill him?"

 

Daniel nodded slowly and Hannah recoiled from him slightly, "Who are you?" she asked. "Who do you work for?"

 

He leant forward, "I work for the government. I'm very sorry that you got caught up in this but I need to ask you something."

 

She shook her head and felt her heart quicken "I don't know anything. I don't know who he was...I never even saw his face!"

 

\--

 

Lucas saw she was getting agitated and was wringing her hands together. He took both her hands in his and spoke quietly and slowly, "Hannah, look at me." She lifted her pale green eyes up to meet his, "You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time...we know that. But I need to ask you a huge favour."

 

She seemed a little calmer as she looked at him questioningly. He took a deep breath, "I need to ask you not to tell anyone what happened. Do you think you can do that?"

 

She frowned at him, "I don't understand."

 

Lucas sighed, "Selby killed someone...someone important. It's all over the news. We'd like to avoid the press finding out that he took a hostage. We need you to sign the Official Secrets Act."

 

Hannah looked at him incredulously. "You make it sound like something out of a James Bond movie."

 

He smiled at her. "I know it probably sounds ridiculous, but it's important. And it means you can't ever tell anyone about this, not your family or your friends. Do you understand?" He pulled some papers out of his jacket.

 

She nodded wearily, "I'll sign it." He placed the papers in front of her on the bed, showing her where to sign and gave her a pen. She signed them.

 

"Thank you." He put the papers back in his jacket, relieved that she had agreed. "The doctor tells me you'll be discharged this afternoon. Is there anyone you'd like me to call for you?"

 

Hannah shook her head sadly, "No...no-one...thank you."

 

Lucas heard himself say it before he'd even thought it, "Would you like me to give you a lift home?" He silently berated himself. He wasn't at all sure why he'd just offered to do that. He could have arranged for a taxi but there was something about this girl that made him want to protect her and he couldn't understand what it was.

 

\--

 

Hannah looked at Daniel and felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude. "Are you sure? I'd really appreciate it." The thought of going home alone truly terrified her. She wasn't sure why she trusted this man so much but he seemed safe somehow. She understood the irony of that after he'd just admitted to killing someone but she found his presence reassuring.

 

She looked at him. Feeling calmer she was able to take more notice of his appearance. He was tall and broad across the shoulders. She realised he was also incredibly good looking. He had thick, almost black hair and the most piercing blue eyes she'd ever seen.

 

He smiled at her, and got up, "I'll be back at four to collect you, OK?"

 

Hannah nodded. "Thank you Daniel."

 

"It's no problem. I'll see you later." He smiled again and was gone.

 

The room suddenly felt cold and Hannah pulled the bed covers around her. She lay back down and closed her eyes suddenly tired again. She drifted off into a fitful sleep plagued by dreams of guns and blood...so much blood.


	3. Chapter 3

Lucas sat at his desk writing up a report on what had happened the day before. He was struggling to concentrate and found his mind kept returning to a pair of pale green eyes and a mass of dark curls. He was roused from his daydream by Dimitri tapping him on the shoulder. "What's up mate? You look like you're miles away."

 

"Nothing's up, just making sure I haven't forgotten anything," he smiled casually.

 

Dimitri raised his eyebrows, "Since when did you forget anything?"

 

Lucas looked at him and sighed. "Do you ever wonder how the people who get caught up in what we do cope with it?"

 

Dimitri perched on the edge of Lucas' desk and folded his arms, "Are we talking about the girl?"

 

Lucas nodded, "She was so..." he searched for the word "innocent. She has no-one to help her through this. I know there's Victim Support but..." he trailed off.

 

Dimitri got up and squeezed Lucas' shoulder briefly, "She'll be all right mate." He moved away leaving Lucas to get on with his report.

 

Lucas wondered whether he should have mentioned arranging to take Hannah home, then he wondered why he hadn't. He just felt that if nothing else, they owed her some kindness. He was only too well aware of how easy it was to become complacent. It had been a while since he'd come across the kind of blind terror he'd seen in her face as Selby held the gun to her head. He'd recognised it instantly because he understood how it felt. He wasn't sure the others would understand why he felt compelled to help her. He wasn't entirely sure himself.

 

\--

 

Lucas arrived back at the hospital about half past four to find Hannah sitting on the bed wringing her hands again and chewing on her bottom lip. "I'm so sorry I'm late. The traffic was a nightmare." She looked up at him and he could see her green eyes glistening with unshed tears. His heart lurched but he ignored it. "Are you ready?"

 

She nodded and said haltingly, "I thought...maybe...maybe you weren't coming."

 

He smiled softly, "I am sorry, I didn't mean to worry you." He ushered her out of the door and down the corridor and they walked in silence through the hospital.

 

When they reached the exit for the car park Hannah hesitated. Lucas looked down at her. She was frowning and chewing on her bottom lip again. He placed a gentle hand on her arm, "It's OK. I promise you're safe with me." She took a deep breath and let him lead her outside.

 

When they reached the car Lucas opened the passenger door for her and then shut it firmly before walking swiftly around the other side and climbing in. He started the car, "If you want some music on then please feel free to put the radio on or you'll find some CDs in there," he pointed at the glove box.

 

Hannah shook her head "No...thank you."

 

As Lucas drove to Hannah's house he tried starting a conversation with her but all he got were one word answers. She was withdrawn and he could still sense her terror and it troubled him greatly.

 

\--

 

Hannah didn't know what to say to him. Daniel was being so kind taking her home but the thought of being alone in her own home in a very short while terrified her. As the inevitable moment drew nearer she was feeling more and more terrified. At least at the hospital there were people around. At home she'd be truly alone.

 

She started biting her nails. Daniel was trying to make conversation but she found she couldn't speak more than one word at a time. The terror was like a heavy ball in the pit of her stomach and it was all consuming.

 

As they got closer to home she found she could hardly breathe and when he finally pulled up outside the house she felt frozen with fear. She was vaguely aware of Daniel getting out of the car, opening the passenger door and speaking to her, "Where are your keys Hannah?" Wordlessly she handed him her bag.

 

Daniel took hold of her left arm and gently pulled her out of the car. He guided her towards the house and rummaging in her bag, located the key and unlocked the door. They stepped inside.

 

Hannah stood in the hallway too scared to move away from the door. She didn't know why but it was if nowhere felt safe anymore. Daniel walked ahead of her and she nervously watched as he went from room to room, checking that everything was OK. "It's all fine Hannah," he placed a reassuring hand her shoulder.

 

"Are you sure?" she looked at him, doubting him.

 

"Yes, I'm sure," he smiled. "Now then...do you have any coffee?"

 

\--

 

Lucas stood in front of Hannah in the hallway, she hadn't moved since she'd stepped through the front door. He'd done a quick check round because he thought it might make her feel safer, there was no other reason to do it. He asked about coffee and she blinked and looked up at him. "Coffee?" he repeated.

 

She nodded and moved hesitantly into the kitchen. He decided it was maybe best to leave her in the kitchen on her own, he thought she might feel better if she went and did something normal. He went into the living room and looked around. There were photos of people he assumed were her parents and grandparents and there were books, lots of books. There were lots of classics: Bronte, Dickens, and Austen. There were poetry books, and some more modern novels. He noticed with a smile she had John le Carré's Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. Suddenly his eyes were drawn to a book on the coffee table. He had the same book at home, William Blake: The Complete Illuminated Books. He stared at it...surprised to see it there. He was about to pick it up when suddenly the sound of smashing china made him jump. He ran into the kitchen.

 

Hannah was kneeling on the floor with her head in her hands, her body wracked with silent sobs. She was surrounded by the remains of broken cups and hot coffee. He didn't know what had made her drop the cups but he guessed this was probably the first time she'd cried since the Selby incident. His heart lurched like it had earlier at the hospital but this time he didn't ignore it. He knelt down beside her and took her in his arms, cradling her against his chest, stroking her hair, letting her cry. He usually felt uncomfortable in situations like this but it felt like the most natural thing in the world to hold her and comfort her. After what felt like ages her sobs subsided a little and he pulled her hands away from her face and with his thumbs, wiped away the remains of the tears from under her eyes.

 

"I'm s- s-so s-s-sorry," she stammered.

 

Lucas shook his head. "Don't be, you're bound to be upset after everything that's happened."

 

She looked at him, "I'm so scared Daniel. I know he's dead but every time I close my eyes it's like it's happening all over again. And..." she paused, taking a few deep breaths, "I'm terrified of being alone here and I know you'll leave soon and..." she trailed off.

 

The terror of being alone, Lucas thought to himself. He understood that terror only too well. Eight years in a Russian prison with no hope of release, he'd been torn between the terror of being left alone in his cell and the terror of the torture.

 

Lucas suddenly felt inexplicably guilty for not telling her his real name. He had an overwhelming urge to blurt it out. He stood up gently pulling her to her feet and led her over to a chair. He found he didn't know what to say to her. He knew he had to leave soon but the truth was he didn't want to. He wanted to protect her, to hold her, to keep her safe.

 

He moved away from her, and finding a cloth he set about clearing up the coffee from the floor and the broken china. He looked up at Hannah who was sitting quietly wringing her hands again. Her head bent down and her dark curls hanging forward covering her face. He knew that he should leave, that he should walk away before he got himself into something messy and with a heavy heart he stood up and said "I should go now Hannah. I'll get someone to check on you tomorrow." He tried to sound cheerful but was aware that he was failing.

 

He turned to leave and as he reached the kitchen door he suddenly felt a hand in the centre of his back. He stopped and turned to find those pale green eyes looking up at him. It was all he could do to stop himself from bending his head and crushing her lips with his own. In a voice choked with fear she whispered, "Please don't leave me alone Daniel, please don't go."

 

He pulled her into his arms and holding her tightly once again whispered back "It's Lucas, my name is Lucas."

 


	4. Chapter 4

Hannah looked up at Lucas in surprise, "What do you mean?" She searched his face, not understanding.

 

He sighed and gently led her into the living room. He sat her down on the sofa and pulling up a footstool sat in front of her. Hannah looked down at her hands as he took hold of them, "My name isn't Daniel," he paused, and took a deep breath "It's Lucas...Lucas North."

 

Hannah's head hurt, she'd never felt so confused. She frowned, "So why did you say it was Daniel?" She looked up and saw that he had a pained expression on his face.

 

"I'm sorry I lied," he said, "My job means I have no choice sometimes." He was absent-mindedly running his thumbs back and forth across the tops of her hands. She noticed he had smooth hands that were slender and elegant yet strong. His touch was sensual somehow and she felt a slight frisson of something unexpected.

 

"Lucas North", Hannah tried his name, "Why did you need to lie to me?"

 

"It's safer that no-one knows. I never tell anyone my real name...at least not straight away," he lifted his right hand and stretched it over his mouth and jaw, rubbing his face with a sigh.

 

"So why tell me now?" Hannah stared at him. Exhaustion was setting in and her bottom lip wobbled slightly as tears threatened to fall again.

 

He stared back, his blue eyes full of uncertainty. He shook his head slightly, "Honestly? I don't know," he looked suddenly bashful, "I just...just wanted you to know."

 

Hannah felt tears roll down her cheek again and she bent her head forward. She didn't want to keep crying but she couldn't stop. Suddenly she was aware of his smooth hands cupping her face, lifting it up and his thumbs wiping away her tears. Then he was beside her on the sofa pulling her into a soft embrace. There was something so comforting about his presence. The thought of him leaving her alone was unbearable and she buried her face in his chest, sobbing once more.

 

\--

 

Lucas sat back on the sofa, cradling Hannah in his arms. He knew he shouldn't have told her his name. She was a witness, a victim, and here he was holding her in his arms wanting more than anything else in the world to kiss her tears away. It had been a long time since he'd felt needed like this. He was at a loss to explain the closeness he felt to this girl in his arms...to someone he barely knew, but he sensed a kindred spirit.

 

He realised she'd stopped crying. He looked down and pushing the curls away from her face he saw that she'd actually fallen asleep. He allowed himself the indulgence of looking at her face, taking in the smattering of freckles across the top of her nose, the long eyelashes wet with tears, the perfect Cupid's bow. She was, he thought, quite simply beautiful, and he suspected she had no idea.

 

Careful not to wake her he sat up and lifting her in his arms, he carried her up the stairs. Looking in the bedrooms, he established which was hers, more books and a Blake print on the wall: Adam and Eve Sleeping. He laid her gently on the bed and removed her shoes. He considered trying to loosen her clothing but decided that might be considered inappropriate so he just pulled the throw off the end of the bed and covered her with it. As he pulled it up over her shoulders he paused, looking down at her tear-stained face. Without thinking he leant forward pressing his lips to her forehead with a soft kiss, lingering maybe a moment too long. Sighing quietly to himself he turned to leave.

 

He felt a hand slide into his. "Please stay with me," she whispered.

 

Lucas was about to refuse but then he turned and looked down into those pale green eyes and knew he was lost. He nodded and without saying a word he kicked his shoes off and lay down next to her, pulling her into his arms.

 

He wondered what Dimitri would say about this. More to the point, what on earth would Harry Pearce say? He'd never been in this situation before. There'd been a few women since he'd returned from Russia but he'd never managed to get close to anyone. Sleeping alone was, he thought, one of the loneliest things you could do. Sleeping with a witness, clothed or otherwise was simply unacceptable...that's what they'd say if they found out.

 

Hannah had fallen asleep with her head nestled against his shoulder. Her left arm was flung across his chest and her left leg was resting against his. He wondered if her dreams would be plagued by nightmares. He couldn't remember the last time he'd slept through the night without nightmares interrupting his sleep. He idly kissed the top of her head.

 

\--

 

Hannah was woken by the sound of someone shouting. She opened her eyes to find Lucas thrashing about on the bed next to her. His shouts were incoherent but he was distressed and seemed to be fighting off some invisible foe in his sleep. She sat up and gently tried to still his arms. "Lucas," the name still seemed strange to her, "Lucas...it's OK...it's just a nightmare."

 

He was fighting against her and he was strong. She realised that she was in danger of being hurt and panicked slightly, raising her voice to try and break through his dreams, "Lucas, please...it's me, it's Hannah."

 

Lucas sat up suddenly, his eyes open. He flinched away from her touch and then getting off the bed, stumbled out of the room. She heard the bathroom door close and lock. With no idea how to handle this rather unexpected situation Hannah went to the bathroom door. She could hear the sound of stifled sobs. This man who had been so kind to her, who had saved her life was in her bathroom crying and she wanted to comfort him but didn't know how.

 

She looked at her watch. It was the middle of the night. She was about to knock on the door but her confidence failed her. Instead she went down the stairs and into the kitchen, momentarily forgetting what had happened the previous afternoon. She found the broken china on the side together with the coffee soaked cloth. Taking a deep breath and swallowing the fear of being alone downstairs she pulled out a couple of glasses and a bottle of vodka and went back up the stairs.

 

Hannah sat on the floor outside the bathroom door, "Lucas...are you OK?" The response was silence. The sound of crying seemed to have stopped.

 

She spoke without thinking, "Can I see another's woe and not be in sorrow, too? Can I see another's grief and not seek for kind relief?"

 

She heard the sound of running water and then the door unlocked and Lucas looked down at her, his reddened eyes betraying the tears he'd shed. "What you just said, that was William Blake wasn't it?" He sat down beside her.

 

Hannah looked at him surprised. "Yes, it was just the first thing that came into my head. You know Blake?"

 

Lucas picked up the vodka bottle and pouring out two generous shots handed one to Hannah. "Yes, he's always fascinated me. He is always with me." He knocked the shot back in one go and poured another.

 

"With you?" Hannah looked at him confused and sipped the vodka feeling it warm her throat as she swallowed.

 

\--

 

Lucas heard the question but didn't answer. He didn't know how to explain what he meant. He got up off the floor and walked back into the bedroom, Hannah followed. She sat on the bed and he could feel her watching him as he downed the second vodka shot. He put his glass down and sat down next to her. "I'm sorry if I frightened you. I should never have agreed to stay."

 

Hannah touched his arm, "It's fine...it doesn't matter."

 

Lucas shook his head, "But I could have hurt you." He looked at her with a worried frown. "I shouldn't have stayed...I really am very sorry."

 

"Do you have a lot of nightmares?" Hannah asked, her green eyes searching his face. Once again Lucas didn't know how to answer her. He'd spent so long trying to hide his nightmares from anyone who got close to him that he found it hard to be honest. More than anything he wanted to be honest with her.

 

Slowly he started unbuttoning his shirt aware of Hannah watching him with confusion in her wide eyes, not understanding what he was about to show her. He undid the last button and slipped the shirt off, laying it carefully by his side. He turned to face her, "I have nightmares every night Hannah. They terrorise my sleep."

 

He watched as she stretched her hand out and ran her fingers over the tattoo in the centre of his chest. There was no going back now he thought. He needed to confide in someone and there was something about her. He knew she would understand.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The William Blake quote is from On Another's Sorrow.


	5. Chapter 5

Hannah was unable to take her eyes away from Lucas's skin. Her fingers lightly traced the outline of the tattoo on his chest. She recognised it instantly as "Ancient of Days", William Blake's depiction of God as an architect. She'd never seen anything quite like it before and thought it was rather beautiful. She could see that this was no ordinary tattoo. It was a different colour from others she'd seen and it seemed blurred somehow. Her eyes fell to his stomach. She was oblivious to the intake of breath from Lucas as her hand brushed across his skin tracing the words "Gnothi Seauton". "Know Thyself" she said out loud without thinking.

 

She took each of his arms gently in her hands and lightly touched each of the tattoos she found. On his left arm was some writing that she thought was Russian but was unable to read. Her heart was telling her that these had not been gotten out of some love of body art, but she still couldn't take her eyes away from them.

 

With her hands on his shoulders she turned him away from her and as her eyes fell on his back she gasped. There were so many, of what she wasn't sure. She counted them, eight, and wondered if the number was significant. Running her fingers over the words she found at the top of his spine she understood them immediately. "Dum Spiro Spero" - "Whilst I breathe, I hope".

 

She turned him back to face her and looked into his eyes sensing a terrible sadness in them. Not knowing what else to do she touched his face with her hand, stroking her thumb gently over his cheekbone; he closed his eyes and covered it with his own.

 

"I need to explain," he whispered.

 

\--

 

Lucas didn't want to let go of Hannah's hand and was once again biting back the urge to kiss her. He'd struggled not to groan out loud as she'd lightly traced his tattoos with her fingers. She had the gentlest of touches he thought. These images indelibly marked on his skin sometimes made him feel dirty and she had examined them with such wonder he was almost afraid to tell her the truth but he knew that he would. He wanted her to understand him; no, he wanted her to know him in the hope that maybe he could know her in return.

 

He took a deep breath, "I told you I work for the government didn't I?" Hannah nodded. "Well I work for MI5."

 

"You're a spy?" Hannah raised her eyebrows.

 

"Yes I am." He didn't wait for Hannah to react. "I was sent to Russia on an operation. I was caught and imprisoned there. These," he indicated the tattoos, "were my souvenir." He knew he sounded flippant and he closed his eyes trying to find the right way to explain it to her.

 

"I was in prison for eight years not knowing if I'd ever get out. The cupolas on my back are a record of my time there. The tattoos are part of the Russian prison culture. They burn the heel of a shoe and urinate in the residue to form an ink. Anything they can fashion into something sharp is used to apply it." Still holding Hannah's hand he felt her shudder. "I was tortured over and over again for information...just the loneliness would have been torture enough." He started to describe what they'd done to him and the terror he'd felt, a deep furrow appearing across his brow.

 

Lucas was back in his cell cowering in the corner, rocking himself back and forth, the stench of it filling his nostrils. The pain returned to his body, the terror of it filling him with panic and the cold chilling his bones.

 

Suddenly he became aware of a feeling of warmth and peace. Back in the present he opened his eyes to find that Hannah was kneeling next to him on the bed and had wrapped her arms around him, holding him close. His head was resting on her shoulder and she had her lips pressed to his forehead. He lifted his head and looking into her pale green eyes found them filled with tears.

 

"Some days are harder than others," he said, "It's the nights that are the worst."

 

"When you're alone?" she whispered questioningly.

 

He nodded. His heart was still racing but now he wasn't sure if it was because of the memories or because Hannah's face seemed to be even closer to his now. Their eyes were still locked and he didn't think he could hold back any longer. He wanted to kiss her so badly he didn't believe any amount of torture could stop him. He wanted her to kiss his demons away, to make him forget his nightmares.

 

His heart lurching, he bridged the tiny gap between them and brushed his lips lightly across Hannah's, feeling hers gently part as he pulled away. It was the lightest of kisses but to Lucas it was filled with hope.

 

\--

 

Hannah was struggling to take it all in. The tattoos, while strangely beautiful spoke of pain and suffering that she could barely comprehend. Lucas's description of his time in prison, though brief, had been heartbreaking and although she could never know what it was like, she understood terror and she understood loneliness. Her heart had gone out to him and she'd been unable to stop herself taking him in her arms and holding him close. She knew he'd actually told her very little but she sensed that he wasn't used to sharing so she felt hugely flattered that he felt he could trust her.

 

Feeling his lips on hers had stopped time for Hannah. She'd wanted that fleeting moment to go on forever but he'd pulled away and was now staring at her with those amazing blue eyes.

 

She took his hand in hers and lifting it to her lips, she kissed it. "I think maybe we should both try and get some sleep. It's been an exhausting couple of days...at least it has for me."

 

Lucas looked concerned, "Of course, you must be shattered. The last thing you need is me keeping you up all night with my problems." He stood up, pulling his hand away. "I can sleep on the sofa so you can get some rest."

 

"No..." she blushed as he turned to look at her, embarrassed at the desperation in her voice.

 

"You don't think you'd get more sleep alone?" he raised his eyebrows slightly.

 

She shook her head, "I rarely sleep...ever since my parents died I've had nightmares. Sleep terrifies me." She bit her lip nervously. "I'm sorry...that sounds so silly after what you've been through."

 

Lucas crouched down in front of her and took her hands in his. "It doesn't sound silly at all."

 

She smiled wearily. "I think I should put some pyjamas on before I try and sleep again. There are some old t-shirts in there if you want one," she pointed at a drawer. "They're all men's ones so they should fit you." Taking her night clothes from under her pillow she went into the bathroom to change.

 

\--

 

Lucas watched Hannah leave the room. He was secretly relieved that she didn't want him to sleep downstairs. He didn't want to be alone either. Waking from a nightmare in his own home usually meant he'd go for a nocturnal run to try and escape his demons, but it never worked. They always returned the next night. He'd never spoken about them to anyone before and although he hadn't told her very much, he felt like he'd opened a door and he desperately didn't want it to close again.

 

He decided against wearing one of the t-shirts in the drawer and slipping off his socks and jeans, he climbed into Hannah's bed. She emerged from the bathroom a couple of minutes later wearing a pair of pale blue pyjama bottoms and a vest top. Her face looked freshly scrubbed and as she slid under the covers next to him he could smell soap and toothpaste.

 

She looked at him, "I haven't thanked you have I?"

 

"Thanked me for what?" he brushed a stray curl away from her face.

 

"For saving my life...for today...for..." he silenced her with a kiss. This time pressing his lips to hers and letting her softly kiss him back. He allowed himself a small happy sigh as he pulled away.

 

"Now sleep," he turned her away from him, pulling her into his arms and spooning behind her, his body curling protectively around hers. He felt her take his hands in hers, entwining her fingers through his and his last thought before sleep claimed him was one of contentment. Something he hadn't felt in a very long time.


	6. Chapter 6

Hannah had gone to sleep feeling safe and protected. She awoke realising that for the first time in months she hadn't had a nightmare. She turned over and found the other side of the bed was empty, Lucas was gone. Putting her hand on the sheet where he'd been lying she found it was still warm from his body so she knew he hadn't gone far.

 

As she got out of bed and moved towards the doorway, she heard the shower in the bathroom. Fetching him a towel, she went and knocked on the bathroom door. "I've got you a towel."

 

"Come in...I've not locked the door." Hannah cautiously opened it trying not to imagine a naked Lucas in her shower. She wasn't blind. When she'd studied his tattoos his taut and muscular torso had not gone completely unnoticed.

 

The bathroom was hot and steamy. "I'll just put it here," she said placing the towel on the warm radiator and turning to leave with her eyes carefully looking only down.

 

"Stay and talk to me," she looked up and found Lucas had put his head around the frosted glass screen and was smiling at her.

 

Smiling back at him she sat down on the chair in the corner, "What did you want to talk about?"

 

"You know I have to go to work don't you?" Lucas sounded nervous. She could see through the glass that he wasn't standing under the shower, he was holding it in his hand instead. Although the glass was frosted she could still make out the shape of his body...the strong legs, the curve of his buttocks, the broad shoulders...she shook herself.

 

"Yes of course. I'll be fine." She had to be fine she told herself. "You know if you stand under the shower it's a lot easier," she said changing the subject.

 

"I know...I just...I can't," Lucas stumbled over his words. "I have flashbacks..." he paused, "I was water-boarded."

 

Hannah knew what water-boarding was, she'd seen the news and the debates in the press over whether it was considered to be a form of torture or not. She remembered being horrified at the time that some governments deemed it an acceptable form of attempting to extract information. She shivered and realised that Lucas had switched the shower off and was standing very still behind the glass, his hands pressed against the tiling on the wall. Not sure what to do or say and still very aware of his nakedness she stood up. Taking the now warm towel from the radiator she stood next to the bath and looked round the shower screen. Lucas had his eyes closed, but Hannah could see his chest was heaving. She said his name but he didn't seem to be able to hear her.

 

\--

 

Lucas's heart was racing like it was about to explode out from his chest. He'd been washing himself and worrying about leaving Hannah alone and then she'd said about standing under the water. The truth was that some days he could stand under the shower it was just that today wasn't one of those days. Just the thought of it made him feel like he was choking and unable to breathe. He managed to switch the shower off and was now trying desperately to catch his breath and stop his heart from racing. All he could hear was the sound of blood rushing in his ears. Just as he felt his legs start to give way he was enveloped in something soft and warm.

 

\--

 

Hannah saw he was struggling and that he was in danger of collapsing so with no other option she climbed into the bath and wrapped the towel around his shoulders. His breathing seemed to calm at the feel of the warmth from the towel and Hannah suddenly became embarrassingly aware of his naked body again. She was just about to turn away and climb back out of the bath when Lucas slid an arm around her and pulled her against him. He was soaking wet from the shower and she could feel the moisture from his skin soaking through her pyjamas. He held her so tightly she could feel his heart thumping against her cheek.

 

Looking up at him she found his face close to hers, his eyes looking at her apologetically. "I'm sorry...again." He let her go and quickly pulled the towel around his waist, a faint blush appearing on his cheeks.

 

Hannah could see that his heart was still beating faster than it should, "Are you sure you're OK? It was what I said wasn't it?" She looked down, disappointed in herself for bringing about his distress.

 

He stepped out of the bath, "It's not your fault...you weren't to know." He turned and taking her hand steadied her as she too stepped out. "OK?" he raised his eyebrows at her.

 

"Yes...OK," she nodded. "What are you smiling about?" A huge grin had broken out on Lucas's face.

 

He pointed at the front of her pyjamas and Hannah looked down. The white vest top and pale blue bottoms were wet through in certain places causing her to gasp in horror and, blushing profusely, try to cover herself up.

 

"I think that's my fault," Lucas was openly staring at her making Hannah feel naked. It was if his panic in the shower had never happened.

 

\--

 

Lucas couldn't quite comprehend the roller-coaster of emotions he'd been through in the last 24 hours. He couldn't begin to imagine what this was doing to Hannah either but right now, standing in front of her he felt absurdly happy. He stared at her, his eyes helplessly drawn downwards, his breath catching in his throat. The thin material of her top was soaked through after being pressed to his wet skin and he could clearly see the perfect shape and curve of her breasts. Her nipples were prominent and erect as the damp fabric clung to them and realising, she instinctively covered herself with her hands.

 

He lifted his eyes to her face. The blush made her look even more beautiful; the dark curls framing her face had been dampened by his embrace and a few tendrils were stuck to her cheek. Her pale green eyes seemed even greener as they stared back at him. He was drawn to her, like there was some magnetic force within her. He closed the gap between them and gently brushed her hair away from her face, cupping her cheek in his hand. He bent his head to hers and just before their lips met he whispered, "You're so beautiful."

 

He tenderly pressed his mouth to hers, and feeling her lips part in response he gathered her into his arms and deepened the kiss, the tip of his tongue playing against hers. He felt her arms snake around his neck as she kissed him back, her fingers gently stroking the soft skin at the top of his spine causing him to let out an involuntary groan against her mouth. All other thoughts banished, he was no longer sure where his mouth ended and hers began.

 

\--

 

The kiss was interrupted by the sound of a telephone ringing. Hannah didn't recognise the ring tone but Lucas obviously did as he pulled away from her and ran into the bedroom to locate his phone. "Harry," he said as he put it to his ear.

 

"Of course...understood...I'll be with you in..." he looked at his watch, "...45 minutes." The call over, he put the phone down and looked at Hannah standing in the doorway.

 

"You have to go right now don't you?" She was unable to hide the disappointment in her voice. She hadn't wanted the kiss to stop. She couldn't remember the last time she'd been kissed like that. In fact, she was fairly certain she'd never been kissed like that...ever.

 

Lucas nodded and sighed. "Yes...I'm sorry. I'd hoped to have a bit longer with you but something's come up." He pulled her into his arms. "I'll come back tonight, I promise."

 

Hannah smiled. "You mean it?" She hadn't really doubted it but now in the cold light of day she was suddenly aware of the fact that this was no ordinary man. He was a spy and she was...she wasn't exactly sure what she was. A victim? A witness? Was that even allowed?

 

He kissed the tip of her nose, "Of course I mean it. I've only just found you...I'm not about to let you go."

 

Hannah's heart missed a beat not sure she'd heard him right. Holding her tightly in his arms he kissed her gently before looking deep into her eyes and saying, "I can't explain this...all I know is I need you."

 

Hannah pulled away from him. No-one had ever told her they needed her before. "You barely know me."

 

"In the brief time we've spent together I've told you more about myself than I've told anybody in the last 2 years. I feel like I've known you all my life." She turned and saw a frown had formed on his face. She realised he wasn't sure she felt the same way.

 

"I'm scared," she said. "I had nothing and then there you were...I can't bear the thought of losing you."

 

Lucas smiled happily at her and quickly pulled his clothes on. "I'll call you later and you'll definitely see me tonight...that's a promise."

 

A few minutes later and Hannah was waving goodbye to him as he drove away down the road. She closed the front door, turned the key, drew the bolt across and put the chain on. The house was eerily quiet and without Lucas there it felt cold. She went into the kitchen and put the kettle on. Maybe a cup of tea would help. She wasn't convinced. It had taken exactly one minute for her to once again feel terrified and alone.


	7. Chapter 7

Leaving Hannah had been the hardest thing Lucas had had to do in a very long time. He was aware how ridiculous that seemed given his job, but seeing her put on a brave face as he got in the car and drove away had been heartbreaking. He hoped she wasn't too scared all alone in the house. He longed to be there with her, to support her the way she'd supported him...and to kiss her again. His mind wandered and he was back in the bathroom wearing nothing but a towel, his tongue exploring her mouth, his hands sliding up her back...

 

Lucas's mind was still lost to memories of that kiss when he walked through the pods and onto the Grid at Thames House. He was immediately brought back down to earth with a bump, by a grim-faced and vaguely sarcastic Harry Pearce, "Lucas...my office...now...if you can spare the time."

 

Sensing trouble, Lucas offered up a silent prayer. "Harry," he nodded as he walked through the door, and closed it behind him.

 

Harry didn't wait for Lucas to sit down. He put his hands squarely on the desk and leaning forwards looked Lucas right in the eye, "What on earth were you thinking?"

 

Lucas frowned and sat down. He had a horrible sinking feeling.

 

Harry also sat down and resting his elbows on the desk, placed his palms together as if he too was offering up prayers. He sighed. "Miss Hannah Curtis..." he let the name hang in the air.

 

Lucas stretched his hand over his mouth and rubbed his jaw wearily, "She has no-one."

 

"That's not our concern Lucas as you well know. There are people to help her through her distress...trained people." Harry was angry. "What makes you think that you can help her anyway, or was she just a means to an end?"

 

Lucas was on his feet. "What kind of person do you think I am for fuck's sake?" His voice was shaking. "I don't have to listen to this." He turned and headed for the door.

 

"Sit down!" It wasn't the sort of order you could ignore. Lucas sat down, his face in his hands.

 

Harry spoke quietly. "We have someone keeping an eye on Miss Curtis's house for a few days. They were rather surprised to see your car there last night."

 

Lucas looked up, "I didn't know she was under any surveillance."

 

"Well if you'd been here instead of taking off early yesterday you'd have known wouldn't you?" Harry gave an exasperated sigh. "Lucas, you're my one of my best officers. I need you to be fully focussed on the job. We can't afford for you to go running off on some mission of mercy; the team needs you. Do you understand?"

 

It wasn't the first time Lucas had received a dressing down from Harry but this felt different. He nodded slowly, dreading what was coming next.

 

"I need your assurance that you will stay away from Miss Curtis. She will have all the support she needs and there's nothing more you can do for her." Harry looked at Lucas expectantly.

 

"I'm afraid I can't make that promise Harry." Lucas stared at him unflinchingly but inside, his heart was gripped by fear. He couldn't explain it, but the thought of never seeing those green eyes staring into his, of never holding her in his arms again...he felt sick. He just knew, beyond all doubt that he needed her, that she was the key to him finally dealing with the horror of his torture. But it was more than that, she'd made him feel needed in return and he knew that there was nothing that he wouldn't do to protect her from harm. Harry would think he was being ridiculous. He'd only met her 2 days ago and that was only because Selby was holding a gun to her head. Maybe he was being ridiculous.

 

Harry was angry. "That's not good enough Lucas. You'll be telling me you're in love with her next."

 

Lucas was still staring at Harry but at the mention of love, his eyebrows quivered very slightly. His heart contracted...he couldn't be...could he?

 

Harry shook his head, "Oh Lucas..." he rubbed his forehead. "Does she know who you really are? Have you told her your real name?"

 

"Yes...I told her." He didn't regret telling her. He'd been unable to stop himself anyway. Nothing could have stopped him from opening up to her.

 

"And what is it you hope to achieve by seeing her? Some sort of atonement for the terror inflicted on her? You know full well that it was beyond our control."

 

"No...it's not like that." Lucas collected his thoughts carefully. "Harry, I don't expect you to understand, and I know this must seem..." he searched for the right word, "unlikely but...I think we can help each other."

 

Harry sat back in his chair and folded his arms, "You told her about Russia. You haven't spoken to anyone about it since you came back and now you're confiding in someone you barely know. A witness no less."

 

Lucas knew Harry was deeply disappointed in him and he wanted to make him understand. He couldn't lose Hannah, he just couldn't. "When I looked in her eyes and saw the terror in them...it was like looking in a mirror. I know we have very different experiences but...the fear of loneliness..." he ran out of words.

 

Harry sighed, "I can't pretend I'm happy about this, but I do know that you need to find a way to deal with what happened to you. If you believe that Miss Curtis can help you, then I won't stand in your way. Now, I suggest you take the rest of the day off and come back tomorrow with a clear head."

 

Lucas looked at him disbelievingly. "Thank you. I won't let you down Harry. I promise."

 

"You'd better not Lucas. I might not be so understanding next time."

 

Lucas left Harry's office and ignoring the curious looks from his colleagues, he made his way out through the pods and off the Grid. As he stepped outside into the sunlight he pulled out his phone and dialled Hannah's number. He needed to hear her voice.

 

\--

 

Hannah had tried so hard to be brave. She'd made herself a cup of tea and filled a bowl with cereal and milk. She'd even managed to carry it shakily into the living room and put the television on. She'd forced herself to eat knowing that her body needed food. She found herself watching the news; they were talking about a politician being shot. A picture of a man appeared on the screen. They said his name was Ian Selby and that he'd been shot dead by the police in a stand off.

 

Hannah stared at the screen. Seeing his face for the first time and hearing the version of the truth that'd been fed to the press brought the whole thing back. Unable to tear her eyes away from the screen she watched the whole news bulletin. They were interviewing the family of the politician that Selby had shot, capturing them in the midst of their grief. Nobody would have grieved for her if he'd pulled the trigger she thought.

 

The sound of the postman rattling the letterbox as he pushed the post through startled Hannah, and made her jump. Her heart racing she found herself jumping at every little sound as the panic set in once more.

 

The sound of her phone ringing startled Hannah so much she could barely hold it to her ear for shaking. It wasn't a number she recognised, "Hello?" Fear made her voice crack.

 

"Hannah, it's Lucas. Are you OK?"

 

"Yes...I'm fine," she knew she didn't sound fine.

 

"I just wanted to ask if it was OK to come over now. I've been told to take the day off." Hannah closed her eyes, relief washing over her. "Hannah...has something happened?" His voice was full of concern.

 

Hannah took a deep breath, "No...nothing's happened and of course it's OK for you to come over."

 

"OK, I'll be with you shortly."

 

What seemed liked an eternity later, the doorbell rang and Hannah, who had been sitting nervously on the stairs wringing her hands and watching the clock, ran to the front door. Frantically taking the chain off, sliding the bolt back and turning the key, she practically threw herself into his arms as she opened the door.

 

Lucas smiled and looked down at her. "Bloody hell, that was some welcome."

 

Hannah blushed and pulled him into the house, carefully locking the door behind him. "I'm sorry, I was just...I mean I..." she faltered, "I was scared without you here."

 

He pulled her into his arms, his soft voice calming her. "I'm here now." He bent his head to hers, capturing her lips in a soft kiss which quickly deepened. Scooping her up in his arms and still kissing her, he carried her up the stairs.


	8. Chapter 8

Lucas had never intended to take her to bed the moment he arrived back at the house. He hadn't imagined anything beyond holding her in his arms. He hadn't dared to think of anymore than that, it was too soon he kept telling himself. What Hannah needed was support, not seduction. But as she threw herself into his arms, seemingly desperate for his embrace, he felt his resolve falter. He was unable to stop himself from gathering her into his arms, and kissing her, and as he felt her wind her arms around his neck he knew he was lost.

 

He picked her up and carried her upstairs, not breaking the tender but passionate kiss. He laid her gently on the bed, breaking the kiss momentarily before Hannah pulled him down to meet her lips again. Pulling back and lying down beside her, he propped himself up on one elbow and studied her face. Her pale green eyes were almost luminous as they stared back at him, he noticed that she had long curled eyelashes and when she smiled a small dimple appeared on either side of her mouth. There wasn't a single part of her that wasn't beautiful he thought.

 

"Why are you staring at me?" Hannah smiled.

 

Lucas smiled back but said nothing; instead he bent his head and kissed the tip of her nose. He brought his free hand round to cup her face as he trailed soft kisses down her cheek and over her jaw. She made a soft moan of pleasure as his lips brushed down her neck, kissing her throat and collar bone. She had her hands in his hair and was kissing his face in return. He felt the familiar stirrings of lust and all at once his confidence failed him.

 

"Hannah, are you sure about this?" His brow furrowed with worry.

 

She lifted her head to his and kissed his mouth very softly, "Yes I'm sure. I've never been so sure about anything."

 

Lucas felt a rush of relief wash over him and smiling he returned the kiss, gently teasing her mouth open with his tongue. He could feel her hands running over his chest, undoing the buttons on his shirt, her every touch heightening his desire for her. His hands found their way under her top, lifting it up and it seemed without breaking the union of their mouths, it was gone and her skin was pressed against his. He allowed himself to groan softly against her lips as he felt her hardened nipples graze his chest.

 

As they slowly removed each other's clothes, Lucas felt as if he was becoming one with Hannah; her warm skin caressing his, her hot breath against his neck, her hands seeking out every inch of his body, her sweet lips pressed against his. He wanted to lose himself inside her.

 

\--

 

Hannah hadn't realised until this moment quite how much she wanted Lucas. Lying naked with him, limbs entwined, feeling his heart beating against hers, she'd never wanted anyone more. She knew it was more than lust but she wouldn't allow herself to think about that...not yet.

 

As he covered her body with his own she wrapped her arms and legs around him, pulling him tight against her, burying her face in his neck, breathing in the smell of him. She felt him pull away slightly and opened her eyes. He was looking down at her, his blue eyes darker now with unhidden desire. There was an unspoken question. She smiled, and gave her assent by pulling him back down and kissing him deeply, gently pulling at his lower lip with her teeth. She ran her fingers down his spine and as he buried himself inside her she couldn't help but cry out.

 

All thought left Hannah's mind. She was lost to the feeling of her body moving in time with his. Closing her eyes she felt him dip his head, his lips trailing a path downwards, over her collar bone, finding her breasts and softly kissing them. Each new sensation was pushing her closer to the edge, the emotion of it catching in her throat as she arched her back. As their love making finally pushed her tumbling over the edge, she cried out his name, holding him tightly. She felt his body respond to hers, and heard his soft moans of ecstasy as he found his own release.

 

As Lucas showered her face with kisses, she suddenly felt overwhelmingly emotional. Tears started running down her cheeks, and although she tried she couldn't stop herself from sobbing out loud. She felt him pull away from her and lie by her side, wrapping his arms around her.

 

"Hannah? Oh Christ, did I hurt you?" She shook her head, half smiling through the tears.

 

"Talk to me, please." He sounded scared.

 

She looked into his eyes, "I'm happy...really happy. It's just a bit overwhelming and...unexpected." Hannah knew that if she didn't say it now she might never say it. It wasn't really the happiness that was overwhelming; it was so much more than that. This incredible man who'd saved her life, held her as she cried and made love to her as if she was the most precious thing on earth, had awakened something in her that had long been buried.

 

Lucas was smiling softly at her. She could see he was waiting for her to explain further so taking a very deep breath she decided to be brave. "I never expected to fall in love," Hannah blushed.

 

\--

 

It seemed as if this rollercoaster ride he was on wasn't about to stop anytime soon. Lucas had gone from sexual euphoria to complete terror in a matter of seconds when he'd seen Hannah's tears. Fear had gripped his heart, and he was convinced that he'd hurt her in some way or that she was having instant regrets. And now...he hardly dared to hope that he'd heard her correctly.

 

Taking her face in his hands he leant forwards and kissed her. "You mean that?"

 

He watched her nodding back at him and kissed her again, a smile slowly spreading across his face. "I..." he kissed her nose, "love..." his lips grazed her cheek, "you." He kissed her mouth, a harder more passionate kiss, leaving them both breathless.

 

Lucas now understood the tears. True happiness was not something he'd felt for a long time. As he uttered those three small words to Hannah he felt truly overwhelmed by it. He was in love. There truly was more to life than his job, more to life than the crushing fear of his nightmares, more to life than flashbacks and memories.

 

Hannah's hands had started to wander, instantly heightening his desire once more, her gentle but insistent kisses moving lower down his body until he could stand it no longer. "Miss Curtis, do you have any idea what you're doing to me?"

 

He could see the answer in her eyes as she looked up at him. He pulled her back up and kissed her, running his hands down her back and drawing her tightly against him, before losing himself inside her once more, and letting their new found love take him to new heights.


	9. Chapter 9

It seemed that love made you hungry. Lucas felt his stomach start to gurgle and realised that he couldn't actually remember when he'd last eaten. His stomach growled in protest and Hannah lifted her head from his shoulder and raised her eyebrows. "Hungry?"

 

"Mmmm..." he captured her lips in a kiss.

 

She laughed and pushed him away, "I meant for food."

 

"Oh...well in that case, I'm starving," he grinned back at her.

 

Hannah slipped out of his embrace and out of the bed. Lucas watched her as she moved round the room and pulled on a t-shirt that just skimmed the very top of her thighs. As she tied her hair back he got up and standing behind her, wrapped his arms around her and kissed her newly exposed neck, unable to resist.

 

Hannah wriggled free, "I thought you were hungry!"

 

Lucas gave her a lop-sided grin and winked. "I am!" He was enjoying teasing her.

 

She stuck her tongue out at him, handed him his boxer shorts and pulling an over-sized t-shirt out of a drawer said, "You can wear this if you like. I'd prefer you without it but..." she giggled.

 

Lucas pulled her into his arms and kissed her; she really was quite irresistible. His stomach growled again and reluctantly he pulled away. "All right," he held his hands up as Hannah smirked at him, "I give in...let's go and see what we can find to eat."

 

Pulling the t-shirt on, he followed her down the stairs and as they reached the bottom he watched her hesitate. It was only for a second and if he'd blinked he would've missed it. His heart ached for her. He wanted to protect her from her fears but he knew he couldn't. She would have to face them...all he could do was be there for her.

 

In the kitchen, Lucas cleared away the broken china that was still lying on the side where he'd left it the day before. Was it really only a day since he'd driven Hannah home from the hospital? That didn't seem possible. He'd never felt so close to someone he'd only just met. He looked over at her and smiled. She was standing in front of the fridge, peering inside it, apparently deep in thought. "So what are we eating then?" he stood behind her and looked over her shoulder.

 

"I'm not sure...there doesn't appear to be an awful lot in here except bacon and some rather sad looking salad." she bit her lip. "We could have bacon sandwiches...I've got some bread."

 

"Sounds perfect...as long as I can have ketchup," Lucas grinned at her.

 

\--

 

Sitting on the sofa watching Lucas trying not to drip ketchup down his chin, Hannah wondered how it was possible that she could feel so much love for him. When she'd first set eyes on him he'd been pointing a gun at her and that was only two days ago. Now he was sitting on her sofa getting in a mess with a bacon sandwich and trying not to laugh. Life was turning out to be very surprising. She sipped her coffee and stared thoughtfully at the William Blake book on the table. Coincidence was a strange phenomenon.

 

Lucas put his plate down and pointed at the book. "So where did your interest in William Blake come from?"

 

Hannah picked the book up and flicked through the pages. "My dad..." she found the page with Milton A Poem on it and traced the familiar words with her fingers, reading aloud "And did those feet in ancient time, walk upon England's mountains green." She settled back against Lucas, resting her head on his shoulder. "He used to read it to me as a child. He used to read a lot of Blake to me, but it's those words that always remind me of him. He'd always sing along loudly when they played Jerusalem at the Last Night of the Proms. I'd always hoped to be able to take him one day." Hannah sighed, it had been five years, but it still felt like yesterday.

 

Lucas slipped both his arms around her waist and pulled her tight against him. "I have the same book at home and some Blake prints hanging on the wall. He's always fascinated me."

 

Hannah wondered exactly what fascination Blake held for Lucas. She used to think her dad's love of Blake had come from his love of art and literature. After her parents died she'd immersed herself in Blake in the hope that it would make her feel closer to her dad. He'd always been anti-establishment and she understood he'd been something of a rebel in his younger years...going on demonstrations and taking part in anti-war protests. She wished she'd taken the time to know him better before he was taken from her.

 

Lucas was stroking her hair gently, something her dad used to do when she was little. The memory brought with it a great wave of sadness and her eyes filled with tears. She tried to blink them away but one tear escaped and splashed onto Lucas's bare arm. He lifted her chin up and looked down at her. "You must miss them terribly...your parents." He stroked her cheek gently, "I know about the accident, it came up when we ran checks on you."

 

Hannah raised her eyebrows. It hadn't occurred to her that they would check her out. She guessed it was to be expected.

 

"It's just standard procedure," he shrugged and smiled gently. "Tell me about them...were you close?"

 

Hannah nodded and laid her head against his chest. The warmth of his body was comforting and she closed her eyes. "Mum was the most amazing cook, the house always smelt of something wonderful. Sometimes when I open the front door I imagine I can smell her cooking. But...I was a daddy's girl. He was my best friend and my confidante. I could tell him anything. He always had his head buried in a book...always had a quote for every occasion. I wish I'd known him better...I miss him so much...I miss them both. The house is so empty without them." Tears rolled down her cheeks. She could feel Lucas's hands stroking her hair, caressing her, soothing her.

 

"I dream about them all the time...but they're not happy dreams. I see the accident. I hear the screeching of tyres and the crunch of metal. I hear them screaming..." she sobbed in his arms. "I don't know what's worse, the terror of my dreams or the loneliness."

 

Hannah felt Lucas's strong arms lift her up and pull her into his lap. "Hannah, look at me." She looked into his blue eyes and he cupped her face, brushing his lips over hers. "You're not alone, not anymore. I'm not going anywhere."

 

Hannah snaked her arms around his neck and smiled despite her tears. "I really love you."

 

Lucas smiled, "And I really love you."


	10. Chapter 10

It had been such a long time since he'd talked to someone properly it seemed a little unreal having Hannah confide in him. Lucas was enjoying getting to know her a little better, although some of it was heartbreaking to hear. She poured her heart out to him and he listened enviously as she described her relationship with her parents and how the house used to be filled with music, laughter and wonderful food. He'd been distant from his family for such a long time he couldn't imagine sharing laughter with them, or anything else. Their son had been lost in a Russian prison cell and since returning he'd struggled to rebuild the shattered remains of their relationship. They'd been told what he did for a living when all hope for his safe return was thought to be lost, and his father, the minister, had never been able to reconcile himself with the fact that Lucas had killed people in the line of duty.

 

Hannah told him in detail about the day of the accident. They'd all been out for a meal together to celebrate her mum's birthday. Her parents had dropped her off at her flat and had been driving home. Travelling at 75 miles per hour on the dual carriageway they'd had a blow out. The car had spun out of control and collided with a lorry. Lucas held her tightly in his arms as she cried, soothing her sobs with gentle kisses, his heart breaking for her. He made a silent promise to call his parents at the weekend. It was time he tried building some bridges.

 

She talked about the loneliness and grief and the terror they brought her. She hadn't been able to bear the thought of selling the house after her parents died, and as there was no mortgage to pay off she'd moved in. The move back to the family home had taken her away from the few friends she had. Her grief had meant that after two years of struggling she found herself unable to continue in the job she used to love so much as PA to the director of a small but successful art gallery in central London. She'd spent the next two years shut away from the world in this lovely house now devoid of all the things that had made it such a happy place. She explained how it was only recently that she'd felt able to start looking for work again and told him about the job interview she'd missed while Selby had his gun to her head. Lucas watched her flinch at the memory and he found himself stroking her temple where the gun had been pressed. He wished he could erase that memory from her mind. The fear of death at someone else's hands was something you never forgot. He'd once welcomed the thought of death...he couldn't imagine that now.

 

She took Lucas on a tour of the house. Taking his hand and leading him from room to room, pointing out pictures on the walls, sharing her memories, telling amusing stories from her childhood. He tried suggesting they go out for a walk but she refused and although she made some excuse about being too tired, he knew she was scared to go out. He could see that the Selby incident had pushed her backwards and that the terror of being alone in the house was now matched by the terror of what might happen if she ventured outside. He wanted to promise to always be there but he knew he couldn't. He would have to go to work and she would have to face her fears alone.

 

\--

 

Hannah found she was unburdening herself. She wondered if he minded that she'd done nothing but talk for what felt like hours. He didn't look like he minded; his blue eyes full of concern and a frown creasing his forehead as if he could feel her pain. His smiles, when they came felt like some wonderful reward as his eyes crinkled and sparkled, the corners of his mouth lifting up into a smile that seemed to light up the whole room. She realised that she was constantly touching him, as if their bodies were drawn together by some invisible force.

 

Inevitably the tour of the house led them upstairs and Hannah found her mind wandering as her eyes glimpsed the crumpled bed through the doorway of her room. Images of his naked body moving above hers filled her mind and she looked up at him, wanting to tell him of the sudden desire she had to pull him into the room and down onto the bed. As if reading her thoughts, Lucas bent his head to kiss her. This wasn't a gentle soothing kiss, this was a kiss filled with wanting and as she felt his tongue against her lips she surrendered to it, kissing him back, her tongue sliding against his.

 

His hands slid down her back and cupped her bottom, drawing her close against him and then lifting her up so she had to wrap her legs around his waist. Kissing her hungrily, he carried her into the bedroom and sat down on the bed with her on his lap. Desperate to feel his skin against hers she hurriedly took her t-shirt off and pulled his up over his head. Pushing him backwards onto the bed, she slid her body against his, running her tongue over his heated skin and making him groan.

 

She slid his boxers down his legs and sitting back up she looked down at this beautiful man underneath her. His eyes were dark with desire and staring intensely at her. She traced the Blake tattoo on his chest with the tip of her fingers and looking back at his face she saw the hint of a frown. Sensing his discomfort she leant down and traced the tattoo again, but this time with her lips and tongue. Her hands found Lucas's and she entwined her fingers in his, feeling him arching his back against her mouth.

 

She lowered her head and started to run her tongue over the words tattooed across his stomach. She hadn't got to the end of the word "Gnothi" when suddenly Lucas's groans turned into a growl and he pulled her back up his body, his mouth meeting hers and kissing her hard as he found his way inside her.

 

\--

 

Lucas didn't love his tattoos but they were a part of him now. He'd had moments in the bath where he'd rubbed them raw hoping that if he kept scrubbing they would somehow disappear. The attention Hannah had shown them had both scared him and aroused him in equal measure. To start with he was worried that maybe she was struggling to get past what they represented but as her mouth began to trace the outline of them, he'd realised she was trying to show him that she loved every inch of him. He allowed himself to be taken over by the deliciousness of her tongue against his skin but as she moved lower he could stand it no longer. He had to have her, and he felt an almost animal lust wash over him as he claimed her body with his.

 

Their love-making was intense and passionate. Moving together, they whispered words of love against each other's mouths, lost in the delight of each other's bodies. As they tumbled over the edge together Lucas cried out her name, clasping her tightly against him as she told him she loved him, kissing his eyes, his nose, his cheeks...every inch of his face.

 

A little while later, as they lay in each other's arms in a state of post-coital bliss, Lucas allowed himself to consider what would happen the following day. He would have to go to work, leaving Hannah alone. He would have to go home to get clean clothes. Maybe not tomorrow but at some point work would no doubt take him away from her for a few days. How would she cope? They'd only just met and he found himself already considering his future with her. Maybe he could move into her house...as the thought entered his head he immediately pushed it away. One step at a time he thought...there would be plenty of time for plans. All that mattered was they needed each other. He would find a way to help Hannah through her terror and maybe...just maybe...she could help him deal with his flashbacks and nightmares.


	11. Chapter 11

Harry sat in his office; leaning back in his chair with his hands clasped he stared at the file in front of him. The information had been checked and double checked. Part of him wished he'd never asked for it. He'd briefly considered calling Lucas back to the Grid but this had already been buried for five years. Another day would make no difference. He sighed, stood up and opened the office door.

 

"Dimitri...a moment of your time please."

 

Once they were both sitting down Harry pushed the file across the desk towards Dimitri who picked it up and opened the cover. "William Harris?" he raised his eyebrows and then frowned as he read further, "No...surely not!"

 

Harry nodded slowly, "I'm afraid so."

 

Dimitri flicked over some of the pages in the file, his eyes wide. "Does Lucas know yet?"

 

"No...it can wait until tomorrow but, in the meantime, I want you to go and see Mr Harris. Let's see what he has to say for himself."

 

Dimitri stood up to leave.

 

"Oh and Dimitri...remember that the press release never mentioned the hostage situation."

 

\--

 

The next morning Lucas was woken by the sound of his phone ringing. He reached across Hannah who was curled up against him with her head on his shoulder and picked it up. "Harry..."

 

"Lucas..." Harry sounded awkward, "When you come in I need you to bring Miss Curtis with you."

 

Lucas felt his heart plummet. "What's happened Harry? What's going on?"

 

"It's just a precaution."

 

"Harry, that's bollocks and you know it." Lucas hadn't meant to raise his voice; he felt Hannah shift beside him. He turned his head and was met by her pale green eyes wide with worry.

 

"Lucas, just do as I ask...please." Harry put the phone down without waiting for an answer and Lucas was left feeling more than a little bewildered. He sensed something was wrong but he had no idea what.

 

"What's happened?" Hannah sat up rubbing her eyes.

 

"It's..." he wanted to say it was nothing but he couldn't bring himself to lie to her, "I've been asked to take you with me when I go in to work." He rubbed his hand over his jaw apprehensively.

 

Hannah went pale, "What do you mean...take me with you?"

 

He took her face in his hands and tenderly kissed her lips, "Harry didn't say why, he just asked me to take you in."

 

"Harry...he's your boss?" Lucas nodded. "Is it because of you and me do you think?" Hannah looked as scared as she sounded.

 

Lucas thought hard. Less than 24 hours ago Harry had given him the OK to carry on seeing Hannah, surely he hadn't changed his mind. No...it had to be something else. The checks on Hannah had all come back clear. What else could there be? He shook his head, no longer able to think clearly.

 

Wrapping his arms around her he pulled her close, "It'll be OK...I'll be with you." He felt her tremble against him and hugged her tighter. "I love you Hannah. I won't let anything happen to you I promise. Remember...we're the good guys."

 

\--

 

Hannah hadn't spoken on the journey into Thames House. She was terrified and each time Lucas had removed his hand from hers to change gear she'd resumed wringing her hands. All sorts of thoughts were going through her head, not one of them was rational. Maybe she didn't deserve to be happy.

 

Lucas pulled into the underground car park and switched the engine off. Hannah sensed that he was looking at her.

 

"Hannah, look at me...please." He spoke softly, his voice betraying his anxiety.

 

She turned and looked into his blue eyes. His brow was crinkled with a frown but she could see nothing but love and she leant forward and hugged him tightly. "It's going to be OK isn't it?"

 

"It has to be," Lucas whispered against her hair and she realised that he was as nervous as she was. She found herself wondering if he knew more than he was letting on and then silently chastised herself for doubting him.

 

\--

 

As they walked hand in hand into Thames House Lucas found himself faced with Dimitri and Ruth Evershed.

 

Dimitri didn't smile, "Lucas, I need you to come with me. Ruth will look after Hannah."

 

Lucas shook his head, "No, she stays with me." He felt Hannah's hand grip his tighter.

 

"Harry's orders mate." Dimitri had the grace to look apologetic but Lucas was angry and stepped forward to confront his colleague. "Don't make this more difficult than it needs to be Lucas."

 

Lucas looked at Hannah helplessly. He desperately wanted to take her in his arms and tell her everything was going to be OK but he was as much in the dark as she was. She looked at him, her beautiful green eyes wide and glistening with tears. She was chewing her bottom lip. He pulled her hands up to his chest and tried to sound confident. "Go with Ruth, she'll look after you. I'll find out what's going on then I'll come and find you." He kissed her hands and then stood watching as Ruth led her away. She kept looking back at him, and he could see her tears had started to fall. His heart ached for her.

 

"Come on, Harry's waiting for us." Dimitri put his hand in the small of Lucas's back and propelled him towards the lifts.

 

As they walked through the pods onto the Grid, Lucas stalked across the floor straight to Harry's office and entered without knocking. "What the fuck is going on?" Lucas leant over the desk, almost spitting in his fury.

 

Harry sighed, "Sit down Lucas and stop shouting."

 

As Lucas sat, his chest heaving as he struggled to calm his anger, Harry handed him a file. "Read this and then we'll talk." He didn't wait for the questions that were about to leap from Lucas's lips but walked out of the office closing the door behind him.

 

Lucas took a deep breath, opened the file and started reading.

 

\--

 

Hannah was sitting in a small room with Ruth who seemed pleasant enough but was not being at all forthcoming with information. The room had a couple of sofas in it, a small coffee table and some nondescript prints on the walls. It was like a relatives room in a hospital where they took you to deliver bad news. She'd been given a cup of coffee and was clutching it tightly trying hard not to shake too much. Her tears had stopped but she couldn't believe that whatever was happening was going to be good. Just when it seemed that life was finally starting to make sense, and that she might be able to put the loneliness and terror behind her, once again she felt lost.

 

Hannah sensed that Ruth was waiting for something; she had no idea what. All she'd been asked was how she was feeling after the Selby incident. Hannah didn't really want to talk about it; she preferred it locked away in the recesses of her mind. She thought about Lucas, of how it felt to be in his arms, and wondered what was happening to him.

 

\--

 

Lucas closed the file and put his head in his hands. What he'd just read beggared belief and yet apparently it was true. He wondered if Hannah was OK, he knew she'd be scared and confused and...guiltily he suddenly wondered if she already knew. No...he was sure she didn't. All that grief...surely you couldn't fake that.

 

Mentally slapping himself for even contemplating doubting Hannah, Lucas left the office and went in search of Harry. Finding him in the conference room with Dimitri, he walked in, "I want to see Hannah...I think she should hear this from me. She trusts me."

 

"Absolutely out of the question Lucas," Harry shook his head, "You're compromised in this, you know that as well as I do."

 

It was Lucas's turn to shake his head, "She doesn't know."

 

Dimitri leant forward, "Lucas she might, you can't be sure."

 

"I am sure," he stared at Dimitri, "You don't know her like I do."

 

"With all due respect Lucas...you only met her two days ago." Harry gave an exasperated sigh.

 

Lucas felt close to tears. He knew it was ridiculous, he was supposed to have a cool head under pressure. He was supposed to be able to stand up and defend his country, do whatever was necessary to keep it safe, but he felt like the only good thing in his life was about to be torn away from him. "Why didn't this come to light straight away?" he looked at Harry accusingly.

 

"She checks out OK, it's the address that doesn't. I asked for the check to be done after we spoke. There was something nagging at the back of my mind. We had to be sure. I'm sorry Lucas, it was never my intention to go behind your back with this. Now... you need to see this." Harry pressed some buttons on a remote control and a screen on the wall flickered into life with a picture of two men. "William Harris...formerly known as Jack Curtis with..."

 

"Ian Selby..." Lucas sat down and stared at the screen. "Shit!"


	12. Chapter 12

Lucas watched silently as various photos appeared on the screen. The family resemblance was uncanny and something he hadn't fully appreciated when looking at the photos Hannah had in the house. Jack Curtis had the same pale green eyes and dark hair. Hannah was most definitely her father's daughter.

 

He told Harry and Dimitri what little he knew about Hannah's family but there wasn't much they didn't already know. Lucas thought back to the file he'd read through. Jack had studied law at University and on leaving had joined a law firm specialising in human rights cases. Grace Matthews worked there as a legal secretary and after a few months of dating they got engaged. Within 12 months they were married and expecting a child, Hannah. They became the perfect little family unit. But Jack's interest in demonstrations & politics hadn't waned as he got older and settled down. If anything, it appeared to have increased.

 

If there was a campaign or protest he had got involved with it. Stop the war, the campaign for nuclear disarmament, abolition of the poll tax, the list was long. In 2005 he'd got involved in organising a protest march to take place near Gleneagles in Scotland where the G8 summit was taking place. This was the point where his world had come crashing down.

 

Jack had become aware of a plot to infiltrate the Gleneagles compound and plant bombs that would inevitably blow the place sky high killing everyone there. Essentially a peaceful man, this had been something that he couldn't just sit by and let happen, so he'd gone to the police. Against his better judgement, Jack had agreed to continue his involvement with the protest group and act as an insider for MI5. Unbeknownst to him, he was found out and one evening whilst he was having dinner with his wife and Hannah, someone tampered with the car tyres causing the fatal blow out.

 

Lucas thought how lucky Hannah was not to have been in the car when the accident happened. He shuddered...the thought that he may never have met her was too awful to contemplate.

 

Jack had survived the accident with some broken ribs, a broken leg and some nasty cuts and bruises. He had been convinced that the best thing for his safety and the safety of his daughter was if he was believed to have died in the crash along with his wife. He was put into witness protection and became William Harris.

 

Lucas took a deep breath and tried to detach himself from the emotion of the situation, something with which he rarely struggled. "Has anyone been to see him? Do we know anything about his involvement with Selby?"

 

"Dimitri called round yesterday." Harry nodded across the table at Dimitri.

 

"And...?" Lucas raised his eyebrows.

 

"Before I'd even had a chance to introduce myself, he said he'd been expecting the spooks to turn up. Wanted to know why it had taken us so long." Dimitri rolled his eyes.

 

Harry leant forward slightly, "We believe that he blames us for the death of Grace and the enforced estrangement from his daughter. His medical records show that he's been diagnosed as bi-polar which appears to have only manifested itself since the accident. He was sectioned about 6 months ago and spent 4 weeks in a psychiatric hospital which is where he met Ian Selby...also bi-polar."

 

"That's pretty much what he told me yesterday," Dimitri interrupted, "He said that Selby shared his hatred of the government and security services."

 

"So are we saying that he groomed Selby to carry out the shooting?" Lucas frowned.

 

"We don't know and it's unlikely we can prove it," Harry sighed. "Anyway, there's no way we could get a conviction if he's mentally unstable."

 

"What about the photos? CCTV I presume..."

 

Harry nodded, "At the hospital."

 

Lucas thought of Hannah holed up with Ruth, wondering what was going on...probably still scared out of her mind. "So what about Hannah? She needs to know her father's still alive."

 

Harry shook his head. "Not necessarily. First we need to establish what she does know....make sure she isn't involved in any way. It does seem unlikely but there's something else too..." he nodded at Dimitri.

 

Dimitri continued, "It appears that William Harris was given the opportunity to leave witness protection. The bomb plot was uncovered and the perpetrators arrested and convicted. He was never brought forward as a witness and it was considered safe for him to return to his former life. He refused the offer."

 

Lucas couldn't believe what he was hearing. "He refused?"

 

"It's true Lucas," Harry confirmed.

 

Lucas put his head in his hands. Poor Hannah...beautiful, lovely, kind Hannah. He was sure she'd give up everything if she could see her father again.

 

\--

 

Hannah was getting more and more anxious the longer she had to wait. When the door finally opened and an older, balding man came in the anxiety almost became too much to bear. She had been expecting to see Lucas and she didn't try to hide the disappointment in her face.

 

"Miss Curtis, I'm sorry we've kept you waiting for so long. My name is Harry Pearce and I'd like to ask you a few questions." He sat down next to Ruth on the sofa opposite Hannah. She was surprised to find he had a kind face and that he spoke quite softly. She'd expected him to be far scarier.

 

She found herself being asked some innocuous questions about herself, her family and about what happened with Selby. She didn't understand why she was being questioned but she answered as best she could, she just wanted to see Lucas again. Finally she plucked up the courage to ask a question herself. "Am I in any trouble?" She chewed on her bottom lip.

 

"No," Harry shook his head, "You're not in any trouble. We just had some new information on Mr Selby and wanted to ask you a few questions. There really is nothing for you to be concerned about."

 

Hannah looked at his face carefully. She supposed that being a spy meant that you had to be able to lie convincingly. He looked genuine enough but she was hesitant about trusting him. "Can I see Lucas please?" she asked haltingly.

 

Harry smiled and nodded. "Yes, I think that can be arranged." He stood up, "I'll send him down."

 

A few minutes later the door opened and Hannah threw herself into Lucas's arms. He didn't say anything but just folded his arms tightly around her and buried his face in her neck. "Is everything ok?" she whispered against his ear.

 

"Yes..." he whispered back and for the first time in several hours she felt herself relax.


	13. Chapter 13

Lucas lifted his head and looked over Hannah's shoulder at Ruth, "Could you give us a minute?" Ruth raised her eyebrows at him but said nothing as she left the room.

 

He led Hannah to one of the sofas and took her hands in his as they sat down. He hadn't planned what he was going to say to her and looking at her now all he wanted to do was take her home, shut the world out and forget everything except loving her. "How are you feeling?" he kissed the backs of her hands.

 

"Calmer now you're here," Hannah smiled wearily. "Harry came and asked me questions...I don't know if I was any help. I don't really understand why I'm here." Her brow creased.

 

Lucas shifted uneasily next to her and looked away, running a hand through his hair. "We've found out that Ian Selby had some surprising connections. Harry just had to make sure there wasn't anything else you could remember."

 

Hannah nodded and then frowned again. "Why was he asking me about my family?"

 

Lucas closed his eyes, leant forward and pressed his forehead against Hannah's, battling between his conscience and his duty. He'd promised Harry he wouldn't say anything to her about her father and deep down he knew that was the right decision. It did seem so unfair though, that she should have spent so long grieving for a man that was still very much alive. He tucked a finger under her chin, lifted her face up and kissed her gently on the lips. "Do you trust me?" He opened his eyes and looked into Hannah's pale green ones.

 

Hannah nodded, "Completely."

 

A twinge of guilt fluttered in the back of Lucas's mind but he pushed it away. "Then I need you to trust me when I say that there really is nothing for you to worry about. You're safe..."

 

"But those questions...it seemed odd. Do you think...?" Lucas cut her off with another kiss.

 

"Trust me...ok?"

 

\--

 

Hannah did trust him. She meant it when she said she trusted him completely. But something wasn't quite adding up. At first she thought it was her anxiety taking over but she definitely had the distinct impression that she was missing something. Sighing she decided to let it go so she nodded, "OK."

 

Lucas smiled softly and hugged her tightly. Enfolded in his arms with her face buried in his neck she felt safe and loved. She decided that with him by her side she could face anything. "When can we leave?"

 

Lucas stroked her hair. "Someone will take you home soon but I have to stay and work. Will you be ok going home alone?" She could sense the concern in his voice and swallowing her fears she nodded.

 

"I'll be fine. Will I..." she hesitated, not wanting to ask too much of him, "will I see you later?"

 

"Yes...of course." He kissed her forehead and released her from his arms.

 

A short while later after a few more reassurances he'd gone and she was being driven home still feeling confused about what had just happened. She put any fears relating to the questions she'd been asked at the back of the mind, putting all her trust in Lucas.

 

\--

 

Lucas walked back onto the Grid and sat down at his desk putting his head in his hands. He hadn't lied to Hannah but he had kept things from her and he hated it.

 

"You OK?" Dimitri came out of Harry's office and perched on Lucas's desk.

 

"I'm fine," Lucas sighed, "It's Hannah I'm worried about...what will this do to her if she finds out? It's bound to come out at some point. She could just bump into him for Christ's sake!"

 

Dimitri shrugged, "Harry's having him brought in."

 

Lucas felt his heart drop. He wasn't surprised...he'd just hoped things could be left as they were. "Now?"

 

"Yes."

 

Lucas got up and walked over to Harry's office and stuck his head round the door. "Who's interviewing Jack Curtis?"

 

Harry looked up, "Not you Lucas...you know why that's not possible."

 

"Can I at least observe?"

 

"No...and that's my final word!" Harry looked away dismissively and Lucas walked back to his desk. He felt so helpless.

 

\--

 

A few hours and several piles of mundane paperwork later Lucas looked up expectantly as Harry and Dimitri walked back onto the Grid. "Any joy?"

 

"Depends on your definition of joy I think...my office." Lucas followed Harry and Dimitri into the office.

 

Harry sat down and pressed his finger tips together and closed his eyes for a moment. Lucas rubbed his hand over his jaw uneasily, struggling to hide his impatience.

 

Harry looked up. "He denies grooming Selby, but..." Lucas raised his eyebrows, "he freely admits to spending time with him after they left the hospital. Selby even stayed at his house for a few weeks. He's happy to talk about his hatred of the government and the security services, and he also believes that Selby held the same opinions. There is a case to be made..."

 

"So we're charging him?" Lucas jumped in.

 

Harry repeated himself, "There is a case to be made...but we won't be pursuing it."

 

Lucas wasn't sure how he felt. "Why not?"

 

"He's being sectioned again. We believe he's a danger both to himself and the public. He'll be properly assessed but it seems clear to me that he is not of sound mind."

 

"Did he mention Hannah?" Lucas rested his head in his hand as he looked across the desk at Harry.

 

"Actually, yes he did."

 

Lucas's eyes widened. He was a little speechless and wasn't sure if he wanted to know what had been said.

 

"He said she was better off without him. That was why he chose not to return to his former life. He believed by staying away he was protecting her."

 

Lucas stood up and paced the office, gathering his thoughts.

 

Dimitri cleared his throat, "Maybe it's for the best Lucas. I'm sure she has happy memories of her father. Why spoil that?"

 

Lucas sank back down into the chair, he knew Dimitri was right. He swallowed and took a deep breath. No...Hannah deserved better than a father who was unworthy of her love. She was also a lot safer without him. Lucas knew that if nothing else, he would vow to do anything in his power to keep her from harm, even if that meant keeping this from her.

 

"Lucas?" Harry was staring at him.

 

"Agreed. She'll never hear anything from me."

 

"Good. Now it's been a long day. I suggest you both go home and get some rest."

 

Lucas went back to his desk and picked up his jacket and phone. Once off the Grid he dialled Hannah's number. She answered immediately sounding tired, "Hi...everything all right?"

 

"Everything's fine...fancy coming to my place tonight?"

 

He could hear the smile in her voice as she answered him, "Yes I'd love to...if you're sure."

 

"Of course I'm sure. I'll be there in about an hour. Do you think you can pack a bag in that time?"

 

Hannah laughed, "Oh I think I can manage that."

 

Lucas smiled, putting all thoughts of Jack Curtis out of his mind. He was going to spoil Hannah. He'd cook her something special, open a nice bottle of wine...maybe run her a bath and then...well...his mind wandered...

 

\--

 

Hannah's eagerness to get out of the house meant she had no trouble at all packing a bag & getting ready for Lucas to pick her up. During the day she'd tried to find things to do that would take her mind off everything but it hadn't worked. She'd tried looking at job adverts on the internet but the mere thought of having an interview sent a new wave of terror bursting through her. She'd tried reading but found she was unable to concentrate. Finally she'd succumbed to the mindless monotony that was daytime television and after opening and heating a tin of soup for lunch, she'd spent a couple of hours sleeping fitfully on the sofa.

 

When Lucas arrived Hannah was ready at the door almost before he'd stopped the car. He got out and leant down to kiss her briefly. Throwing her bag in the boot of the car amongst what looked like some supermarket carrier bags filled with food, he smiled at her. "Ready?"

 

Hannah nodded happily. "Have you been shopping?" She raised her eyebrows.

 

He tapped the side of his nose and winked as he got in the car. "You'll see!"

 

Hannah climbed in beside him feeling happier than she had all day. Before Lucas could start the car, she pulled him into her arms and hugged him tightly and whispered, "I'm so glad you're here...with me."

 

"Me too gorgeous...me too!" Lucas kissed her softly before pulling away and starting the engine.


	14. Chapter 14

Hannah was unable to contain her curiosity as Lucas unlocked the door to his flat. She wondered what sort of home he'd made for himself, imagining it would be open plan, quite minimalist with few personal objects...maybe just a place for him to crash.

 

Her imagination hadn't let her down. It was a large open plan flat with white walls, lots of light and clean lines. The kitchen was a bit of a surprise. It looked to be far from basic with a huge Smeg fridge and a range cooker. It was a serious kitchen. Hannah wondered if Lucas had chosen it or if it was just part of the fittings. Everywhere was spotless and apart from two Blake prints on the wall, which she was instantly drawn to, there was little to identify this as Lucas's home. The prints were The Ancient of Days and The Great Red Dragon & the Woman Clothed in Sun. As Hannah stood in front of them Lucas moved behind her and slipped his arms around her waist.

 

"So what do you think then?" he spoke softly against her ear sending shivers down her spine.

 

"It's a great flat," she paused, trying to find the right words, "I can see why you chose it."

 

Lucas turned her round in his arms and raised an eyebrow, "You can?"

 

Hannah nodded, "It's light, open, airy and spotless...everything that prison wasn't." She smiled softly at him, reaching up to cup his face in her hand and caressed his cheek as he looked into her eyes.

 

He kissed her gently. "No-one else has ever made that observation...and if they have, they've never spoken of it to me."

 

"I'm right aren't I?" Hannah could understand how important it must've been for him to be somewhere that was far removed from the terrifying and suffocating squalor of the prison.

 

Lucas nodded slowly, "Most people prefer not to mention Russia. It's as if they're pretending it never happened."

 

Hannah knew exactly what he meant, "It doesn't help does it?" She remembered the few friends she had fussing over her after the accident but never actually mentioning what had happened. They all seemed to be walking on eggshells around her. It became unbearable and she'd wanted to scream at them but she hadn't. Instead, she'd just distanced herself so much that once she stopped working she lost them altogether.

 

Lucas showed her round the rest of his home, finally ending up in the bedroom. The large bed was neatly made with crisp dark blue cotton bedding. Over the bed was a large skylight, the view of the sky unhindered by blinds. "Like sleeping outside," Hannah said as she looked upwards.

 

"Exactly," Lucas nuzzled her neck as he wrapped his arms around her.

 

\--

 

As he kissed her softly, Lucas had never felt so loved. It was almost as if she'd always known him. He pulled away and stared deeply into her pale green eyes, brushing her hair away from her face and tucking it behind her ears. "I love you," he whispered as he leant forward to kiss the tip of her nose.

 

Hannah smiled and repeated the words back to him making his heart swell, and for a while he lost himself in her embrace, thinking of nothing but her kisses and the feel of her body pressed up against his. Before losing himself completely he pulled away and gestured towards the bathroom. "How about I run you a bath then you can soak the day away while I cook you dinner?"

 

Hannah smiled at him, "You cook? I should have guessed seeing that kitchen."

 

"I try...food has become more important to me than it was before...Russia." He surprised himself with that little revelation. He'd never thought about it like that. The truth was that when he wasn't working or running off his nightmares he frequently found himself buried in cook books trying out new recipes. Before Russia he'd taken food for granted eating mainly ready meals and takeaways. Since he'd been back he'd unconsciously turned his nose up at the easy option and, when he had the time, took pleasure in good home-cooked food. He was however, still rather partial to a jam doughnut.

 

Hannah broke through his thoughts, "A bath sounds like heaven."

 

"What are you going to cook then?" Hannah was watching him inquisitively as he turned the taps on, poured bubble bath under the running water, and lit some candles.

 

"Thought I might surprise you."

 

"Beans on toast then?" she giggled.

 

"That could be arranged," he smirked and flicked some bubbles at her.

 

\--

 

While Hannah languished in scented bubbles, Lucas set about preparing dinner. He'd decided whilst walking round the supermarket, to cook a Thai green curry with jasmine rice. It was one of his favourite things and he always found the flavours rather intoxicating. It was comfort food without being stodgy. He opened a bottle of Malborough Sauvignon Blanc and before he started cooking, poured a glass for Hannah and took it through to her, allowing himself to linger in the doorway for a few moments and watch her lying in the water with her head back and eyes closed. She looked so beautiful and peaceful. He coughed discreetly so as not to make her jump and when she opened her eyes he leant over and brushed his lips over hers. "Hey gorgeous, thought you might like this," he handed her the glass.

 

She smiled at him, a faint blush spreading across her cheeks. "Thanks. You're really spoiling me."

 

"You're not complaining are you?" He laughed as she shook her head vigorously. "Well enjoy it." He left her to her soak.

 

Back in the kitchen, he busiest himself chopping shallots, trying hard and failing not to succumb to the tears their potent smell sent running down his cheeks. He smiled to himself. He couldn't remember the last time he'd cooked for someone else and cooking for Hannah made him realise just how much pleasure he got from it...even if it did make him cry. Thoughts of what had transpired earlier in the day couldn't have been further from his mind as he prepared all the ingredients and set about making the sauce.

 

\--

 

Hannah was starting to feel properly relaxed. The day had been hellish and although what had happened wasn't at the forefront of her mind it was still there. The bath, the candles and the delicious wine were gradually lessening the worry and although she still wasn't sure exactly what had happened earlier, she was determined to enjoy the evening with Lucas. There were some delicious smells coming from the kitchen...spicy and fragrant...making her mouth water.

 

Getting out of the bath before the water wrinkled her skin too much; she towelled herself dry and padded into the bedroom, rummaging through her bag for a pair of silk pyjamas.

 

Wandering into the kitchen area a few minutes later she found Lucas standing at the cooker stirring something that smelt amazing and humming to some music he had quietly playing. Hannah pulled out a stool from the breakfast bar and sat down watching him. He turned at the noise and grinned approvingly. "Nice PJs!"

 

"You're a Sinatra fan?" She smiled at him over her glass.

 

"You can't beat a bit of Frank...and this song...well..." he shrugged and looked a little embarrassed.

 

Hannah nodded knowingly, "For Once in My Life...one of my favourites." She put her glass down and slipping off the stool she walked over to him and slid her arms around his waist. "Dance with me?"

 

Lucas silently took the pan he'd been stirring off the heat and pulled her close and together they swayed gently to the music, listening to the words.

 

_"For once in my life I won't let sorrow hurt me,_

_Not like it's hurt me before._

_For once I have something I know won't desert me,_

_And I'm not alone anymore._

_For once I can say this is mine you won't take it._

_As long as I know I have love I can make it._

_For once in my life I have someone who needs me."_

 

\--

 

The food, the wine, the music and, Lucas thought to himself with a hint of a smirk, those fantastically sexy pyjamas Hannah had put on, had combined to make the perfect evening. After he'd rescued the dinner following their impromptu smooch around the kitchen floor, they'd made short work of the food, with Hannah greedily scraping every last bit of the sauce from her plate and asking if there was more. He blushed as he remembered how she'd enthused over his cooking skills, although he'd enjoyed it too. The heady cocktail of garlic, lemon grass, coriander, chillies, ginger and basil mixed with the ice cold wine had risen their temperatures sufficiently to make dessert a somewhat messy affair. Moving to the sofa, Lucas had found his hands unable to resist the feel of the silk covering Hannah's body and then, once he'd found his way under it, he found that the chocolate ice cream he'd bought for pudding tasted so much better when licked off her skin.

 

He looked down at her lying sleepily in his arms and wondered how he'd ever gotten through a day without her in it. He knew things were not necessarily going to be easy, especially after what had happened today, but he felt stronger than he'd felt in a long time. The words of the song they'd danced to earlier played through his mind. "As long as I know I have love I can make it." He ran his fingers through Hannah's hair, brushing her curls away from her face as she lay with her head against his chest. She opened her eyes and smiled at him. Without saying a word he lifted her in his arms and carried her through to the bedroom and in the moonlight that shone through the skylight above the bed, they made slow and languorous love before falling asleep in each other's arms.


	15. Chapter 15

The sound of screaming woke Lucas with a start. He opened his eyes to find Hannah sitting bolt upright in the bed next to him, the duvet cover clutched in her hands, her knuckles white. Her eyes were closed but she was screaming...the sound tearing at his heart. He sat up and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her tight against his chest. "It's OK...it's just a bad dream...you're safe...no-one's going to hurt you." As he held her, the screams gradually subsided and were replaced by quiet body-wracking sobs.

 

"I'm...s-s-sorry," Hannah whispered between sobs.

 

"Don't be sorry...there's no need." He pulled her back down onto the bed so she was curled up against him, her head resting in the hollow beneath his shoulder. Stroking his hands in a steady rhythm up and down her back he felt her slowly relax again. "You want to talk about it?" He pressed a kiss to the top of her head.

 

"It wasn't the same..."

 

Lucas waited patiently for Hannah to continue. He knew if she wanted to tell him she would. He was thankful for the darkness hiding his own tears. He could protect her and keep her safe but he couldn't stop the nightmares and realising that broke his heart.

 

Hannah spoke again, "I didn't dream about the accident...I dreamt about Selby holding the gun to my head. I dreamt I turned around to see his face but..." her voice cracked and she sat up suddenly, turning on the bedside lamp.

 

Lucas hastily wiped his eyes and sat up, taking her hand in his and threading his fingers through hers. She turned and looked at him, "It wasn't Selby holding the gun Lucas...it was my dad."

 

Lucas had a horrible feeling he knew what was coming next. He pressed her hand to his mouth, softly kissing it.

 

"You shot him Lucas...you killed my dad." Hannah was staring at him, her face a mixture of shock and confusion.

 

He swallowed down his fears, "It was just a dream baby. It doesn't mean anything."

 

"But how could I dream that about you?" She reached towards him and wrapped her arms around his neck, hugging him tightly. "It was so real."

 

Lucas hugged her back, "But it wasn't. It'll just have been the stress from this morning. All those questions must have sent your mind into overdrive."

 

"I know...you're right," she smiled softly at him. "It was just so horrible."

 

Lucas went and made them some tea and they sat up talking for a while. Eventually, Hannah couldn't keep her eyes open any longer and wrapped up in his arms she fell asleep.

 

He lay awake feeling horribly guilty for the secrets he knew and had no choice but to keep from Hannah. Sometimes, he thought, he bloody hated his job.

 

\--

 

The next morning, Lucas left Hannah with his spare key saying she should have a lie in and let herself out when she was ready. She'd put the bad dream to the back of her mind and was relieved when Lucas didn't mention it either. She felt horribly awkward about it. She loved him for the quiet comfort he'd given her. Although she'd been wrapped up in her own nightmare she was only too aware of how her screaming must have affected him, and she hadn't been blind to the tears in his eyes as he held her in his arms. She wished she could've pulled him back under the covers and returned to the magical feelings he'd elicited in her the previous evening but she knew he had to go to work so, reluctantly she'd kissed him goodbye and made him promise to call her if he was free at any point so they could make plans for later.

 

After a leisurely lie in, she made some breakfast and ate it while loading the dishwasher and tidying up the kitchen. Once she was satisfied that everything was clean and tidy again, she let herself out and made her way home.

 

\--

 

The house looked different somehow. She was sure she'd left the curtains open in the front room. She stood staring at the front door, unsure what to do. She'd been so wrapped up in thoughts of Lucas as she walked up the road it hadn't occurred to her to be scared of being home on her own. She realised how stupid she'd look phoning him to say she was scared to open the front door because the curtains were drawn. She must have drawn them...what other explanation could there be?

 

She opened the front door slowly and stepped inside. She put her bags down and turned to lock it behind her. A voice startled her.

 

"Hello darling."


	16. Chapter 16

Lucas watched the monitor disinterestedly; he hated surveillance. He rubbed his face with his hands and stretched, feeling his joints cracking. It had to be bad for you being cooped up in a van all day. He pulled his jacket tighter round himself...it wasn't very warm either. The door slid open and Dimitri climbed in with two coffees and passed one to Lucas.

 

"Thanks...what took you so long? Did they make you grind the beans again?" He smirked at his colleague.

 

Dimitri shook his head, "You're not funny Lucas...there was a queue and I had to take a leak." He looked at the monitor, "Anything?"

 

"No...nothing. How did we manage to draw the short straw?"

 

Dimitri shrugged. Lucas felt his phone vibrating in his jacket and pulled it out and smiled, "It's Harry...maybe he wants a coffee too. Harry..." he was cut off before he had the chance to be flippant.

 

"Lucas...it's Jack Curtis...he's gone missing. Have you heard from Hannah?"

 

"What d'you mean missing? He was sectioned for fucks sake."

 

"Have you heard from her?" Harry's voice was insistent and a feeling of dread swept over Lucas.

 

"No...not since I left my flat this morning...do we have reason to believe she's in danger? Harry?"

 

"Just get back here as quickly as you can Lucas." The line went dead.

 

"Shit!"

 

Without speaking to Dimitri he was up and out of the van and running round the corner to his car. He pulled out, narrowly missing a taxi and a group of pedestrians and sped off in the direction of Hannah's house...Harry could go to hell. Pulling his phone out of his jacket he pressed the speed dial for Hannah's mobile and clamped it between his ear and his shoulder as he negotiated a roundabout. "Come on....come on...answer the phone." It just rang and rang then her voice mail kicked in. "It's me...call me back as soon as you get this. It's important." He threw the phone onto the passenger seat and resisted the urge to punch the steering wheel.

 

\--

 

Fifteen minutes later Harry called Dimitri. "Did he say anything before he left you?"

 

"No nothing. He just ran."

 

"He should've been here by now. My guess is he's gone to find her." Harry didn't try to disguise the disappointment in his voice. "We've already sent a team to the house. I'm sending someone to relieve you...I need you here."

 

"Understood."

 

Harry put the phone down, got up from his desk and opened the door to his office, "Ruth, do you have an update for me on Jack Curtis?"

 

She looked up from her desk. "Yes. The CCTV shows him waiting at the security doors until someone came in. He slipped out before they closed again. He went outside and hailed a taxi, we're trying to trace it now."

 

He shook his head, "What's the bloody point of sectioning someone if they can just walk out?"

 

"They don't have enough staff to watch everyone that closely..."

 

Harry held up his hand to stop her, "Ruth I don't care about the current state of the NHS...what have they said about his state of mind?"

 

"Not a lot...the doctor was due to see him this afternoon. The nurses who were on last night said he was restless and agitated. Lots of shouting about how he was used and then spat out by MI5 apparently." Ruth gave a small sigh.

 

"Anything about his daughter?"

 

"Afraid not." Ruth shook her head.

 

"Damn!" Harry turned back into his office. "Keep me posted Ruth, and keeping trying Lucas's phone."

 

\--

 

Lucas was vaguely aware of jumping red lights and breaking all the speed limits as he frantically fought against the heavy London traffic, his mind in a whirl. His phone kept ringing but it was never Hannah, so he ignored it. Screeching to a halt outside her house, and narrowly missing the other cars parked on the road, he leapt out and ran up the pathway to the front door.

 

Banging hard on the door he shouted, "Hannah! Open the door!" The silence that followed was deafening and he swallowed back the fear that was threatening to engulf him. The curtains were drawn in the front room so he couldn't see inside. He banged on the glass, shouting again. Having lost the ability to think rationally in the face of an onslaught of terrifying possibilities running through his mind, he barely heard the sirens and started trying to force the door open. The Police and the team from Thames House turned up just as the lock broke and Lucas fell into the hallway.

 

Gathering his thoughts and pushing his fears to the back of his mind, Lucas managed to maintain a relatively professional façade as they searched the house from top to bottom. Of course it was empty but Lucas knew Hannah had arrived home because her overnight bag was in the hall. Her handbag was there too complete with mobile phone and purse. He was sure she would never have gone out without them. The only other unusual thing they found was an unlocked backdoor with the key still in the outside.

 

Lucas was certain that Jack Curtis had let himself into the house and taken Hannah somewhere...but where? Typically, none of the neighbours had seen anything out of the ordinary and Jack hadn't been allowed his mobile phone at the hospital so tracking that was pointless. They knew he hadn't gone back to his own home and so far no-one had any idea where they could've gone. Lucas knew people were trawling through CCTV footage back on the Grid and now with little else to occupy his mind he started to feel his emotions take over once more. He'd been fighting it ever since he'd fallen through the front door but had managed to use all his experience to remain calm and professional...detached even. But now the fear of losing her was terrifying him.

 

His phone rang and taking a deep breath he gave into the inevitable and answered it. "Harry...any news?"

 

"Yes. We've traced the taxi that picked Jack Curtis up outside the hospital. It dropped him off at Hannah's house about an hour ago." Lucas closed his eyes. Having what he already knew confirmed just added to the increasing sense of loss. "And Lucas..." Harry continued, "Don't think I've forgotten that you disobeyed a direct order but...right now, we have more pressing concerns. I'd order you back to the Grid if I thought for one moment you'd actually do as I asked. Do what you have to do...we'll speak later."

 

"Thanks." Lucas just about managed to get the word out without his voice betraying his fear. Ending the call he sat down on the sofa and putting his head in his hands, he tried not to remember sitting there holding Hannah in his arms a couple of days earlier. He'd only just found her; he needed her in his life. He realised that he'd probably fallen head over heels in love with her the first time he went to see her in hospital. She'd looked so impossibly beautiful and although he'd tried to ignore it, his heart had lurched and he'd fallen under the spell of her pale green eyes.

 

His thoughts were interrupted by one of his colleagues, "Lucas...they've found them...Bunhill Fields Cemetery in Finsbury."

 

Lucas looked up. "Are you sure? Is she ok?"

 

"Yes...they've been seen on CCTV. Miss Curtis appears to be fine."

 

Bunhill Fields...why there? Lucas wracked his brains and then his eyes fell on the book on the coffee table and he understood. Jumping up he ran out to his car.


	17. Chapter 17

Hannah froze. A scream had threatened to escape her lips but it never erupted as she felt, somewhere buried underneath her fear, a faint whisper of recognition.

 

"Don't you have a hug for your dad?" The voice behind her confirmed that she wasn't going completely mad but she still found herself unable to move. She'd never believed in ghosts, putting them down to people's vivid imaginations or wishful thinking but now...she momentarily let the thought that maybe she was being haunted drift across her mind before dismissing it as ridiculous. So if he wasn't a ghost...that meant...

 

She sensed him move closer to her and then felt his hands on her shoulders. Her flinch didn't deter him and he slowly turned her round until she had no choice but to look at him. Even though she knew who he was, the sight of his face before her caused her knees to buckle and she fell back against the door.

 

"Aren't you pleased to see me sweetie?" He looked at her as if him being there was the most normal thing in the world and the last 5 years had never happened.

 

Hannah took a deep breath and tried to speak...her voice barely a whisper, "But...but...how? I mean...you...you're dead..." Her voice rose and she suddenly found herself no longer scared but angry, "I buried you...what the hell is going on?" She pushed past him into the living room. "Have you any idea what you've put me through?"

 

Jack followed her and smiling at her he shook his head, "That's not important now sweetie. The important thing is that we're together. I'm so happy to see you."

 

He moved to hug her but she pulled back gasping. "Mum! What about mum?"

 

Suddenly Jack looked angry, "It's their fault she died you know."

 

"What? Whose fault?" Hannah frowned. Something wasn't right...he seemed different somehow.

 

"MI fucking 5...bastard spooks..." Jack spat the words out as if they left a nasty taste in his mouth.

 

Stifling the automatic shock Hannah felt hearing her father swear, her thoughts flew to Lucas. She was scared and confused...if only he was here. She didn't know how she should be feeling and she was sure Lucas would know what to do...what to say. Surely finding out your father was still alive was a cause for celebration but this wasn't the father she remembered. There was something missing behind his eyes and she never imagined in her wildest dreams that he could scare her, but he did. She moved to open the curtains thinking that maybe letting some light in would help but as she reached out her wrist was grabbed by Jack.

 

"No! Are you stupid? They must stay closed," he shouted and pulled her away, wrenching her arm and making her cry out.

 

"You're hurting me...let go!" She tried to pull out of his grasp but he was too strong for her.

 

He leant forward, bringing his face close to hers, his eyes wide. "We have to go..." He let her go and started pacing the room. "Can't stay here...not safe...need to get away...need to think...not safe..."

 

Hannah watched him. He wasn't the man she remembered. The kind loving man who she'd adored seemed to be gone. "Dad?" It felt strange calling him that. He looked like the same man but it was like he'd had some kind of personality transplant. "Of course it's safe here. Why would you think it's not safe here? Let me call someone...I have a friend..." She thought of Lucas again.

 

"No!" He stopped pacing and grabbing her wrist again he dragged her out of the living room and back to the front door. She tried protesting, said how much he was hurting her but he didn't appear to hear. "We must go...somewhere quiet...somewhere peaceful." He unlocked the door and opening it, he cautiously looked outside. The street was deserted and he pulled her through the doorway. "Now, we're going to walk down the road and you're not going to do anything to draw attention to us. Do you understand?"

 

Hannah nodded meekly, too confused and scared to argue with him. All she wanted to do was sit down calmly with a cup of tea and talk rationally to him. It wasn't everyday someone you loved and thought was gone forever walked back into your life. If only he would explain what was going on.

 

\--

 

Lucas parked the car on Bunhill Row at the back of the cemetery. He'd had time to gather his thoughts on the way and he was almost certain that Jack would mean no harm to come to his daughter. Staying away from her for the last 5 years surely meant that he'd tried to protect her. He had no idea why Jack had decided now was a good time to get back in touch with Hannah and suspected that his bipolar disorder was preventing him from thinking rationally. He also hoped to God that Hannah hadn't had an opportunity to tell him anything about her relationship with him. She'd be scared and confused and under the circumstances he could hardly expect her to remain silent about who he was. She wasn't trained to deal with situations like this. And he was sure Jack's reaction to that little revelation would be far from good.

 

Getting out of the car Lucas took a deep breath and moved slowly. He'd been here before and he knew where they'd be. He briefly wondered if, given that he was unarmed, he should wait for back up, but then he thought of Hannah and walked in through the gates and along the path. It was a bright sunny day and there were lots of people about, a fact he was glad about. As he walked past the myriad of tombstones, he suddenly realised he had no plan. He didn't really know what to expect, he just wanted, more than anything, to be able to take Hannah in his arms and protect her.

 

The path opened into an open paved area and he looked to his left and spotted the memorial stone that he was sure had brought Jack to this place. It read:

 

NEAR BY LIE THE REMAINS OF

THE POET-PAINTER

WILLIAM BLAKE

1757-1827

AND OF HIS WIFE

CATHERINE SOPHIA

1762-1831

 

He walked past the stone to the end of the railings surrounding the many other graves, and saw them. Sitting on the grass in the unmarked spot of Blake's actual grave, a couple of metres away from a large tree, Hannah was wringing her hands and chewing on her bottom lip. Next to her, was Jack Curtis, reading out loud from a book. Lucas resisted the urge to rush over and stood watching a discreet distance away but close enough to hear Jack's voice.

 

"Cruelty has a Human Heart

And Jealousy a Human Face:

Terror, the Human Form Divine

And Secrecy, the Human Dress.

 

The Human Dress is forged in Iron,

The Human Form, a fiery Forge;

The Human Face, a Furnace seal'd,

The Human Heart, it's hungry Gorge."

 

Jack turned to Hannah and appeared to be trying to explain, "Hannah, terror leads to secrecy. I've kept many secrets from you, but all I've ever done is try to protect you. There are bad people out there and they're always the ones we trust the most."

 

Hannah turned to him with a frown on her face, "I don't understand what you're trying to tell me. You're not making any sense. Can't we just go home and talk about this?"

 

Lucas watched, his heart breaking for her, as Hannah's confusion, doubt and fear caused tears to roll down her cheeks.

 

Jack seemed oblivious to Hannah and was ranting about the Security Services and how they were supposed to protect him but had let him down. His voice got louder, causing a few heads to turn. Lucas heard him telling her that everyone was expected to conform to the whims of a few and that Ian Selby had the right idea.

 

Hannah's gasp of horror was audible and Lucas started to move towards them. He couldn't stand there and watch her fall apart any longer.

 

\--

 

Hannah felt faint. Ian Selby was not a name she ever expected her father to mention. Surely he didn't know what had happened...he couldn't know...it simply wasn't possible. Her heart pounding, she tried to stand up needing to ease the numbness she could feel creeping into her legs. She needed to feel some control and she felt this whole bizarre situation was very far from being in control.

 

As she moved to stand, Jack grabbed her hand and pulled her back down, "You'll stay here until I say we can move."

 

She looked at him, and wiping the tears off her cheeks, she asked cautiously, "Dad...what do you know about Ian Selby?"

 

He opened his mouth to say something but was distracted and looking up he suddenly shouted, "I wondered when the spooks would turn up!"

 

Hannah followed his gaze and spotted Lucas walking over the grass towards them. Her heart leapt with relief and just as she was about to jump up and run to him she felt her father move behind her, wrap his arm around her chest and press something cold to her neck.

 

\--

 

Lucas stopped. One or two passers by started shouting and someone screamed. Jack was holding what appeared to be a kitchen knife to Hannah's throat.

 

His heart pounding and trying to push all thoughts of love to the back of his mind, he focused on Jack, relieved that Hannah hadn't given away that she knew him. He spoke loudly, "The heart is a hungry gorge Jack. What's yours hungry for? Revenge? You won't get that by hurting your daughter or resorting to terrorism. What did you say to Ian Selby to make him want to kill someone Jack?"

 

Jack shook his head, "You're just trying to mess with my head."

 

"No Jack, I want you to drop that knife and let Hannah go." Lucas resisted the urge to look at her. He could feel her eyes burning into him but he knew as soon as he looked at her he'd lose what little control he had. He could see out of the corner of his eye, police marksmen taking up their positions. There was no way he was going to let anyone die today.

 

Thinking about the poem Lucas tried a new tack, "Jack, the heart as a hungry gorge is just a void which speaks of unlimited desire. Your excessive desire for revenge just means you're trying to control people by terrorising them, making them afraid, robbing them of their spirit. It won't work Jack; you'll just turn them against you."

 

Jack shook his head, "I don't care about me, I want revenge for Grace. Don't you get it?"

 

"But the people responsible for her death were locked away a long time ago Jack, you know that." Lucas felt he was floundering.

 

"But if it hadn't been for your lot, they'd never have done what they did would they?" Jack spat his words out in disgust.

 

Lucas shook his head and was about to reply when he heard Hannah's voice.

 

\--

 

Hannah gathered all the strength she had to turn her head towards her father and plead, "Stop this...please!" She felt anything but strong but was determined not to become a victim again. Once was more than enough.

 

"I don't know what happened to make you do this Dad, and right now, I don't care. You swore to always protect me and to always love me. Do you know what Ian Selby did Dad? Do you?"

 

Jack looked at Lucas and then looked at Hannah frowning, "Of course I know sweetie, it was all over the news." The irony of his endearment while the knife was still held to her throat was not lost on her.

 

Hannah shook her head, "No, I mean do you know what he did to me?" She realised with surprise that she was angry, she'd spent so long being scared and afraid she hadn't realised how angry she was. "He held a gun to my head Dad. He was going to kill me." She felt Jack's arm loosen its hold around her slightly in surprise and without thinking she pushed both arms out and backwards with enough force to cause him to let go of her and drop the knife. She jumped up and propelled forward by sheer willpower she found herself enveloped in Lucas's strong arms, his mouth kissing her forehead and his voice whispering his love for her.

 

She turned to look at Jack who was being handcuffed by two police officers. He was watching her with a horrified look on his face. "Hannah no! Please tell me you're not with him. He's a fucking spook...you can never trust him...you'll see!" He was dragged away and as Hannah watched him go she felt an overwhelming sadness and started to sob uncontrollably.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> William Blake was buried in Bunhill Fields Burial Ground. His actual grave is now unmarked as the memorial stone was moved to its current location in 1927. The inscription is as written above.
> 
>  
> 
> The poem read by Jack is William Blake's "A Divine Image". Not given to a huge understanding of Blake's poetry, the words Lucas speaks when trying to relate to the poem are not entirely mine. I have taken them from the following blog and changed the words a little to suit the story:
> 
> http://www.ashokkarra.com/2007/03/on-blakes-a-divine-image/


	18. Chapter 18

Lucas watched her through the glass, her face pale and drawn. There was no discernible expression on her face but he knew that underneath the façade was an inner turmoil that was probably tearing her apart. They'd been driven back to Thames House; Hannah to answer some questions, him for a dressing down and debrief from Harry.

 

"I accept that you're emotionally involved here and that you have..." Harry had paused and shifted slightly in his chair, "feelings for Miss Curtis, but that doesn't excuse you disobeying a direct order and taking matters into your own hands."

 

Lucas had offered no defence. He didn't have one and anyway, he knew he'd do it again in a heartbeat if it meant protecting Hannah.

 

Harry had continued with a sigh, "I'm under no illusions Lucas; I know you'd do it again and if you must know, if I'd been in your shoes, I'd have done exactly the same thing."

 

Lucas hadn't expected that and had raised an eyebrow while allowing the ghost of a smirk to creep across his face.

 

"I'm not completely without feelings you know...believe me, I do understand how you feel," Harry had leant forward and stared at Lucas, "but, I need to know I can trust you to do as I ask...if this relationship is going to compromise your ability to do that then I suggest you think very carefully about your priorities."

 

Lucas had been stunned by Harry's suggestion that maybe his relationship with Hannah was affecting his ability to do his job. Watching her now he knew she was his main priority which raised questions he didn't want to answer. All he cared about was protecting her and loving her...the only doubt in his mind was how she felt about him. He hadn't lied to her but he hadn't told her the truth and although she'd run into his arms in the cemetery she hadn't said a word since. He'd go so far as to say she'd been cold and distant. Her world had just been thrown upside down...she was in shock. Lucas knew that she'd be traumatised by what had happened but that didn't stop the fear of rejection gripping his heart.

 

Her interview at an end, she left the room and he went to meet her, nervous tension causing him to stuff his hands awkwardly in his pockets as he approached her. He smiled cautiously, "You ready to go home?"

 

She looked at him unsmiling, her beautiful green eyes appearing dulled somehow, "Yes, but it's OK. They're arranging for someone to take me." Lucas tentatively reached out to touch her face, desperate for some contact. The gap between them seemed endless and just before his fingers brushed her cheek, she stepped back. "Lucas...don't...please. I just need some time alone. I'll call you."

 

Lucas felt as if his heart was shattering, the sting of tears making him bite his lip in an effort to stop them spilling over and rolling down his cheeks. He watched as she turned and walked away from him. He wanted to call after her, run to her, beg for her forgiveness, make her understand how much he needed her and how he wasn't sure if he could cope without her in his life, but the words wouldn't come and his legs felt so leaden he couldn't move.

 

"Give her time Lucas...she'll come round once she's been able to process everything that's happened. It's been an awful lot for her to take in." Ruth appeared at his side, seemingly reading his mind. "Why don't you go home...you look shattered." She laid a hand on his arm and squeezed gently, "I'll square it with Harry."

 

Lucas nodded and gave her a sad smile. Not trusting himself to speak without breaking down, he patted her hand to try and convey his thanks for her quiet comfort and thoughtful compassion.

 

His car had been brought back to Thames House and when he got inside he just sat there for a while, resting his forehead on the steering wheel, trying to work out why his life couldn't just be simple for once. Surely loving someone wasn't supposed to be this painful. Hannah had given him a glimpse of what happiness was but it seemed no matter how hard he tried, happiness and him just weren't easy bedfellows. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, switched the ignition on and eased the car out of the parking space. Resisting the urge to drive straight to Hannah's house, he reluctantly drove home.

 

\--

 

Hannah sat on the stairs. She hadn't moved since arriving back home and felt completely numb. No tears...no anger...just numbness.

 

She'd answered all the questions as best she could, refusing to break down in front of anyone. She hadn't been able to tell them much, her father hadn't explained himself in any way, he'd been too preoccupied by what appeared to be his pilgrimage to Blake's grave. Thinking of Jack made her feel sick. They'd told her everything about what had happened: the accident, the witness protection, his refusal to resume his real life, and his association with Ian Selby. She should have been shocked but somehow she wasn't. They'd explained about him being bi-polar and she'd insisted that no charges be brought against him relating to the break in or his apparent abduction of her. They agreed but couldn't guarantee that he wouldn't be prosecuted for possession of the knife or anything relating to Selby.

 

Her thoughts drifted...Lucas...it seemed to her that just as a bit of happiness seeped into her life, it drained away again just as quickly. She should have expected it.

 

She loved him...she was sure of that. Just a glimpse of him and she could feel her heart contract with such deep love she could barely breathe. She'd known him for such a short space of time...did she really know him at all? He'd hidden from her the fact that her father was alive...this man who claimed to love her so much...how could he do that?

 

Hannah felt the numbness fading to be replaced by a terrible sense of loss. She made her way upstairs and lay down on the bed, burying her face in the pillow that Lucas had used hoping it might still smell of him. It didn't. She wondered if maybe it was just as well...let down and betrayed by the two men who should have done nothing but love and protect her. Maybe she was better off alone.

 

\--

 

Lucas stood at the window of his flat staring out. It was dusk and lights were coming on across the city. It was a view he often admired but tonight all he could think of was Hannah out there...hurting... maybe hating him. He needed to explain himself but he wasn't convinced she'd listen and anyway, she didn't want to talk to him, she'd made that quite clear. He wondered how she was feeling about her father. He'd thought his own relationship with his parents was difficult but what had happened today kind of put things in perspective. He suddenly remembered the silent promise he'd made to himself a few days previously and wearily looked at his phone. He found he had an overwhelming desire to hear his mother's voice...even if it meant being disappointed afterwards.

 

He sat down on the sofa and dialled the number. It rang and after a few moments he heard her voice at the other end, "Hello?"

 

"Mum it's me," his voice shook slightly, the emotion of everything catching up with him.

 

"Lucas? Is that you? It's been so long," he sensed she was smiling.

 

"I know...I'm sorry...it's just...it's difficult...Dad...what he said..." his voice cracked.

 

"Are you ok love?" Hearing the concern in her voice and wishing more than anything else to curl up in her arms, finally he broke down and haltingly, between sobs, told her about Hannah. It was the first time since he'd returned from Russia that he'd been truly honest with her. They talked for a while, his mum updating him about his extended family, him telling her about his flat and about his cooking...she was somewhat surprised about that, assuming he took after his father and was capable of burning a salad!

 

They skirted around the one thing both of them were thinking about, discussing the minutiae of life until Lucas could stand it no longer. "About Dad..." he ventured, "I know he doesn't approve of me...of what I do...it's just..." he wasn't sure what he was trying to say.

 

"Son?"

 

Lucas stifled a small gasp, "Dad?"

 

"I've been listening on the other phone. I'm sorry for what I said in the past...you needed me and I made you feel like you couldn't turn to me." His father sounded nervous. "I can't pretend to be happy about what you do...about the paths it leads you down, but I do understand that it's your job. And Lucas? You're my son and I love you. I behaved appallingly."

 

Lucas broke down again. He'd thought his father hated him, that he would never forgive him for choosing a job that meant he sometimes had to end other people's lives. Only God had that right his father had said and had walked away from him in disgust and refused to listen. Lucas wanted to ask why they hadn't called but then realised that they hadn't asked him the same question. If he was truly honest, he didn't really care. He was just grateful to have built some bridges at a time when, despite him being a grown man, he really needed his parents support.

 

\--

 

The phone was ringing and Hannah scrabbled through her bag, tipping the contents onto the floor in her haste to find it. It was Ruth. She wasn't sure if she was relieved or disappointed.

 

"I was ringing to let you know that your father, Jack, has confessed to and been charged with Conspiracy to Murder. He's currently being detained under the Mental Health Act." Ruth sounded very matter-of-fact. She went on to explain that finding out what Selby had done to Hannah had horrified Jack and he'd immediately broken down and told them everything.

 

"Will he go to prison?" Hannah asked cautiously, not sure how she felt about it.

 

"There is that possibility...yes. But, for what it's worth Hannah, I think there's a good chance he'll be detained in hospital until such time as his bi-polar is considered to be under control. It's likely that the CPS will decide not to prosecute. He's confessed but the reality is, Ian Selby is dead and no-one else can confirm or deny your father's involvement."

 

"What about the knife?" Hannah held her breath.

 

"Given his mental state no charges will be brought. Have you spoken to Lucas?" Ruth changed the subject, taking Hannah by surprise.

 

"Erm...no...I haven't."

 

"You should...despite what you might think right now, he's only ever tried to protect you. Anyone can see how much he cares for you."

 

Hannah wanted to believe her but wasn't sure she could, "He lied to me."

 

"No Hannah, he just kept things from you. He didn't want to but he had no choice." Ruth's voice sounded firm but not unkind.

 

A tear trickled down her face, "I'm terrified of losing him but I'm not sure I can trust him...not now."

 

"Just talk to him...and if there's anything I can do..."

 

The phone call over, Hannah curled up on the bed again and this time she cried. She cried for the father she felt she'd lost for a second time and most of all, she cried for Lucas, the man who for a few blissful days had made her feel loved and needed and above all, had made her feel as if life might be worth living once again. 


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some words spoken by Lucas towards the end of the chapter have been "borrowed" from Spooks series 9, episode 8 and changed, just a little.

His body arched against the restraints, the electricity causing him to convulse violently on the table. He screamed as the agony became too much to bear, the pain tipping him into an abyss of blackness, his consciousness only returning as his body was shocked again, this time by ice cold water...

 

Lucas sat up screaming, sweat pouring off his skin, his heart pounding. The nightmare had been horrific, the pain so real his body was still shaking. Reaching across the bed he put the light on then sat up hugging his knees to his chest, rocking himself back and forth. He wished Hannah was here to hold him and soothe away the memories, but thinking of her just made him feel more distraught and he tried to put her from his mind, fighting a growing urge to cry.

 

After a few minutes his breathing calmed and he climbed off the bed, unwilling to risk sleep again. He looked at the alarm clock by the bed and saw it was only 2am. Giving an exasperated sigh he pulled on some jogging bottoms, a sweatshirt and his running shoes and made his way outside. He ran down to the river and made his way along the embankment.

 

Running cleared his mind, helped him to feel free, but this time he was unable to shake off the weight of sadness from the pit of his stomach. It didn't matter how fast he ran, how hard he pushed himself, he couldn't shift it. After a couple of hours with his lungs screaming and his legs starting to cramp he made his way back home. The sun was coming up and clutching a mug of coffee he sat in the window of his flat and watched the light slowly seep across the city. He finally allowed himself to think about Hannah.

 

\--

 

Hannah had cried herself to sleep. Curled up on the bed, she was still wearing yesterday's clothes and the curtains were wide open. As the dawn broke, sunlight gradually flooded the bedroom, waking her. Rubbing her eyes she sat up and looked outside. It was a beautiful day, it almost felt as if yesterday had never happened but, Hannah knew it had. The overwhelming sense of loneliness and loss that hung over her was testament to that. She thought about Lucas. She knew she'd hurt him terribly by rejecting him yesterday; the pain had been written all over his face. Part of her had wanted to let him hold her in his arms and hear him say everything was going to be ok, but she wasn't sure she believed it would be.

 

Stripping off her clothes, Hannah made her way to the bathroom and stood under the shower, letting the hot water cascade over her. She tried to clear her mind and decide what she should do. She wanted to call him...she really did, but she knew that given his job it was likely that he'd always be keeping things from her. She wasn't sure she could live with that...not after everything that had happened.

 

Later as she sat in the kitchen sipping her coffee she thought about Jack and wondered if she should visit him. He'd been a wonderful father and she had adored him. She'd put him on a pedestal but what had happened yesterday had brought him tumbling down with a sickening thud. She knew she'd never look at him the same way again, but she had questions.

 

\--

 

Lucas had received a call requesting his presence on the Grid as soon as possible. Another day...some new crisis he thought, and sighed as he buttoned up his shirt. He wasn't sure he cared anymore and that thought brought with it the overdue realisation that his priorities had shifted. He was no longer prepared to sacrifice the chance of a happy life for the good of his country and that thought scared him especially as it implied Harry had been right yesterday. MI5 had been his life, his entire reason for being for such a long time now he'd never stopped to imagine an alternative...until Hannah. If he was honest, thoughts of what life without the Service would be like had been drifting through his subconscious ever since he realised how deeply he had fallen for her.

 

He knew he needed to talk to Harry but before that he needed to talk to Hannah. It was still early and he didn't want to disturb her so before leaving his flat he picked up his phone and sent her a text message.

 

I understand you need space to think, but I need you to know that I love you and the thought of life without you is unbearable. I think we should talk so I thought maybe we could have dinner tonight...

 

He typed the name of a quiet restaurant near his flat and a time.

 

Let me know? L xxx

 

He closed his eyes and made a silent wish that she'd agree to see him.

 

\--

 

Hannah had made a few phone calls and arranged to visit Jack. She was scared...terrified even. Given his mental state she wasn't sure what the outcome would be. He might have been horrified to discover what Ian Selby had done but his reaction to seeing her in Lucas's arms was what had stayed with her. She didn't need his approval but didn't want to deal with his vitriolic comments about someone she loved. Her heart lurched with that small realisation but she firmly put Lucas to the back of her mind...one thing at a time she told herself.

 

She gathered her things together and left the house. Her phone beeped in her bag as she walked down the road but she didn't hear it.

 

\--

 

Four hours later Lucas was wondering what he'd done to deserve such a bad day. He'd been drafted into a close protection detail for a visiting high profile diplomat who was hosting an event at his embassy. They'd received some last minute intel indicating that he was going to be the target of an assassination attempt. Everything had been calm and trouble free until the comms had gone down, from which point on the whole operation appeared to have descended into chaos. Lucas and Dimitri were under strict instructions not to let the diplomat out of their sight and while he was mindful of the reason they were there he seemed determined to give them the slip.

 

Something wasn't right but all Lucas could think about was the fact that now comms were down he wouldn't know if Hannah had replied to his text. He couldn't bear the thought that maybe she would turn down his suggestion...if she was gone forever then there really was no point to anything anymore.

 

He felt someone grab his arm, "Lucas...LUCAS," Dimitri sounded angry. "Have you seen where he's gone this time?" Lucas looked at him blankly. "The VIP...you know...the guy we're supposed to be protecting? Bloody hell Lucas...where are you today?"

 

"Sorry...he was here a minute ago." Lucas felt his face colour. He was usually so in control...so alert and now he'd gone and lost the one person he was supposed to be protecting. He scanned the room and as his eyes reached the doorway his heart sank. "Shit!"

 

A waitress was standing in the doorway pointing a gun at the diplomat who had just emerged from a door on the opposite side of the room. She had her finger on the trigger.

 

"Put the gun down," Dimitri shouted and raised his own weapon. As Lucas followed suit, someone screamed and going against everything he'd been taught, he turned his head, taking his eyes away from the woman holding the gun. Two gunshots echoed around the room and amidst the sounds of more screaming and panic, Lucas was suddenly aware of a searing pain in his right arm. As he fell to the ground, his last coherent thought was of Hannah.

 

\--

 

Jack was quiet and subdued, barely uttering two words the whole time she was there. The nurses explained that this was due to the medication he'd been given and that things would improve with time, but Hannah found she was disappointed. She wanted to confront him about the past. She wondered if maybe she'd been viewing her childhood through rose-tinted glasses, but every time she broached the subject he just looked the other way. He showed no outward signs of being happy to see her and when she finally gave up and said goodbye he barely acknowledged her leaving.

 

Hannah walked out into the bright sunshine and heaved a huge sigh of relief. It'd been claustrophobic in the hospital and she was glad to leave, a fact that left her feeling more than a little guilty. She sighed again. Why should she feel guilty? She wasn't the one who'd stayed away all this time, or the one who'd broken the law, or the one who'd held a knife to her throat. She slumped onto a bench. Jack was her father and for that she'd always love him but right now, she didn't like him very much at all. It was him, she suddenly realised, who was making her doubt her relationship with Lucas. The one person who had never asked anything of her and who probably needed her more than anyone else...and she'd been wasting time questioning whether he was worth it. And, all because she was scared...

 

She hunted through her bag for her phone. Tears filled her eyes as she pulled it out and read the missed text message. Life without him was unthinkable. She wiped her eyes, realising how foolish she'd been. She didn't need time alone...all she needed was Lucas. She rang his mobile but it went straight to voicemail so leaving a short message she said how much she loved him, agreed that yes, they did need to talk and said dinner sounded lovely, "So I'll meet you there...and Lucas...I'm sorry for cutting you out yesterday."

 

\--

 

Harry was pacing up and down in the corridor. He'd come to the hospital as soon as he'd found out what had happened but was told that Lucas was in surgery. He was angry with himself for letting Lucas go out in the field today. He knew when he saw him that morning that he was overtired and stressed. He had a haunted look about him and seemed distracted but as usual, Harry had put the operation first and put any worries about Lucas's wellbeing to the back of his mind. He had intended on having another chat with him after the operation was over but now, here he was, waiting for an entirely different kind of operation to end. A doctor had already told him the bullet had gone straight through Lucas's upper right arm, but there had been some serious damage to the bone which was why he was in theatre now.

 

"Harry, I brought you a coffee." Dimitri appeared and Harry finally stopped pacing. Taking the drink, he sat down.

 

"Thanks...everything all right?"

 

"Yes," Dimitri nodded, "VIP safely on a flight home, the would-be assassin in the morgue...thankfully I'm a better shot than her. How's Lucas?"

 

"Still in theatre...the bullet partially shattered the bone in his upper arm." Harry sagged a little in the chair. "I shouldn't have sent him in there."

 

Dimitri leant forward, "You weren't to know what would happen."

 

"All the same I..." Harry was interrupted by the doors opening at the end of the corridor and Lucas being wheeled through. He stood up as a doctor approached.

 

"The operation was a success and he should regain full use of his arm, he'll just have to get used to setting the metal detectors off at airports." The doctor smiled.

 

"Thank you. Can we see him now?" Harry smiled back relieved that there would be no permanent damage.

 

"He should be coming round soon; we'll call you in when he's awake." The doctor disappeared into the room Lucas had been wheeled into and closed the door.

 

\--

 

Hannah sat on the bed rubbing sweet smelling body lotion into her skin after having relaxed in the bath for what felt like most of the afternoon. After all the stress and upset of the previous day, knowing that she was going to see Lucas again in a couple of hours had filled her with a sense of calm. She wondered if she should be nervous about the fact that he'd said they needed to talk, but, she wasn't. All that mattered was they loved each other. Everything else would fall into place eventually, she was sure of it.

 

The phone rang, and quickly wiping her hands on a towel, she picked it up. "Hello?"

 

"Hannah, it's Ruth."

 

The sense of calm she had was instantly replaced by one of dread. "Has something happened?"

 

"It's Lucas. He's OK but...he's been hurt."

 

\--

 

Lucas was propped up in bed looking pale and tired, his arm in a plaster cast. Dimitri had gone back to the Grid after filling him in on events at the embassy and promising he'd make sure that Ruth had called Hannah, but Harry was still sitting with him. Lucas knew what was coming.

 

"Have you thought anymore about what we spoke about yesterday?" Harry asked tentatively.

 

"Yes, I've thought about it a lot." Lucas nodded slowly and ran his left hand over his jaw. "I had hoped to speak to Hannah first, but, today's events have rather over taken that."

 

"And?" Harry raised an eyebrow.

 

Lucas closed his eyes and took a deep breath, "You told me once that this job...what we do...it's a machine. We go in, we get chewed up, and then we get spat out. I think I've been spat out too many times Harry. I want a future...a family. I don't want to risk my life for a country that can leave me locked up and tortured for 8 years." He looked up and saw the flash of guilt cross Harry's face. "I don't blame you for that, but...I need to be able to leave it behind me, to move on. I dream about it...the torture."

 

Harry frowned, "You never said."

 

"And have you send me to see the shrink again?" Lucas shook his head. "I thought if I ignored it, it would go away but I was wrong. For the first time since I've been back I feel like there's hope...and I have Hannah to thank for that. I can see there's more to life than this job. She makes me feel happier than I can ever remember feeling before. We both have scars...baggage...call it what you like but together I know we can help each other and get through it. I'm going to resign Harry."

 

Harry gave a small nod, "What will you do?"

 

"I don't know. I still have a lot of the back pay saved so there's no rush, and I need to build some bridges with my parents. Right now, all I want is to see Hannah."

 

"I'll go and call Ruth...you get some rest Lucas."

 

Exhausted from all the talking, after a few minutes Lucas drifted off to sleep.

 

\--

 

Lucas awoke slowly, his mind gradually catching up with his senses as he remembered where he was, the dull pain in his arm reminding him why he was there. His eyes still closed, he realised he wasn't alone. Someone was holding his hand...running their thumb back and forth across his knuckles. He smiled drowsily and squeezed gently.

 

"Lucas?"

 

"Mmmm," He opened his eyes and found a pair of pale green eyes staring back at him worriedly. He lifted his hand to cup her face and for a moment they just looked at each other then suddenly, her arms were around his neck and she was showering his face with kisses.

 

"I'm so sorry...I've been so stupid." Hannah pulled back and looked him in the eye. "I never meant to hurt you...and I know I did."

 

"Hush." Lucas pulled her close again with his good arm, thinking how good she smelt. "It doesn't matter now...none of it matters. I love you and nothing will ever change that."

 

"I love you too." Hannah spoke softly in his ear. "So...does this mean dinner's off?"

 

Lucas laughed, "I'm afraid so, unless you fancy sneaking me in a pizza."

 

Much later, sated with pizza and with Hannah curled up against him on the bed, Lucas looked down at her and asked, "How would you like to come to Cumbria with me next week?"


	20. Epilogue

Hannah sat in the window seat clutching a large mug of coffee and stared out at the view. The weather was wet and windy and she could see a tall figure down by the lake side with his hood up, being buffeted by gusts of wind as he threw sticks to a young chocolate brown Labrador. She smiled softly as he crouched down to tickle the dog behind its ears and was thoroughly licked in return.

 

Life was good...in fact life was better than good and had so far exceeded all her expectations. Six months ago, while lying in his hospital bed Lucas had asked if she fancied a trip to Cumbria and since then they'd never really looked back. His broken arm had fully healed and apart from some aches and stiffness was as good as new, and they had a completely new life far from London with plans for a long future together.

 

Lucas had officially tendered his resignation and Harry had accepted it with no arguments. Because of his injury he'd not been expected to work out his notice so, as soon as he was out of hospital, they'd travelled to Cumbria to spend time with his parents. He was hoping to rebuild what had once been a close and loving relationship and desperately wanted Hannah with him, still a little afraid of spending any amount of time alone with them. If nothing else he wanted her there for when the nightmares took hold, not wishing to inflict that experience on his mother. Hannah understood and agreed to go.

 

She'd been nervous about meeting Lucas's parents, worried they wouldn't like her or would think things had moved too fast between them. Her worries had been quite unnecessary. Lucas had been greeted as the long lost son he almost was and she...Hannah smiled at the memory...had been welcomed into their home and into their lives as the daughter they'd never had. At times she felt guilty because she still had a father, but sadly he was no longer the father she needed him to be and she found herself revelling in being part of a family again.

 

After spending a couple of weeks in Cumbria, Hannah had fallen head over heels in love with the place, feeling safer and happier than she had in a very long time. While out walking hand in hand with Lucas she had stopped to look out over the stunning view and said, "I wish we could stay here."

 

Moving behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist and resting his chin on her shoulder Lucas had said softly, "We could...if you really want to."

 

Once the decision was made, they spent hours making plans before travelling back to London to put all those plans into action. Within 3 months they'd sold both their homes. Giving up the house was hard but Hannah knew that it was the right thing to do. The memories would always be there, she didn't need the house to preserve them.

 

She went to visit her father every week they were in London, but he never showed any interest in building bridges. As Ruth had predicted, the CPS had decided not to prosecute and Jack was slowly getting the bi-polar under control but whatever had existed between them before the accident was long gone. With a heavy heart, Hannah accepted that she'd never really known him but left London determined to return regularly to visit him whether he wanted her to or not.

 

She shifted in her seat. The rain was coming down harder now and the man and his dog were making their way up to the house. Hannah got up from her seat, went upstairs and retrieved two towels from where they were warming in the airing cupboard. As she reached the bottom of the stairs again the front door opened and the dog came bounding up to her, shaking his damp fur before placing a pair of muddy paws on her jeans. "Oh Cadbury!" She laughed as the dog wagged his tail furiously as she attempted to wrap him in a towel.

 

"Got one of those for me?" Lucas smiled down at her, droplets of water falling from his hair onto his face and shoulders.

 

She stood up on the bottom stair and taking the other towel covered his head with it and started to dry his hair. "You had your hood up when I saw you down by the lake."

 

"Wind blew it off." He shrugged as his hands found their way around her waist and he closed the gap between them.

 

"You need to get out of these wet clothes," Hannah unzipped his jacket.

 

"Are you offering to help me?" His blue eyes sparkled and he raised an eyebrow suggestively.

 

Hannah leant forward and softly kissed his cold cheek before whispering in his ear, "You really have to ask?" Then, taking his hand, she pulled him up the stairs.

 

Cadbury, happily oblivious, set about making short work of the towel on the living room carpet.

 

\--

 

Throwing sticks for the dog was one of life's little pleasures thought Lucas. Although today the wind was bitter and the rain annoyingly persistent, he still loved this new world away from the stress and danger of working for MI5. He'd wondered if maybe he'd miss the adrenalin rush...the thrill of it, but so far had found nothing but relief. A new job working as a security consultant for a large multi-national in Manchester was bringing in a healthy income and much to his and Hannah's joy, involved a lot of working from home. Hannah, with plenty of encouragement from him, had found part-time work at a local gallery and was loving it.

 

Lucas glanced up at the house and smiled. It had been a wonderful find. They'd spent weeks traipsing round Cumbria looking for somewhere to live. Stumbling across this house quite by chance, they'd instantly fallen in love with it. It was homely and comfortable without being too cottage-like. It had large windows and high ceilings so felt open and spacious, something so important to Lucas. The kitchen was large with huge potential but the best thing of all, which had sold it to them instantly, was the converted loft. It'd been turned into a master bedroom with big skylights on either side of the roof apex giving a perfect view of the night sky as you lay in bed. Lucas had been secretly dreading sleeping under a normal ceiling again and this was better than he could ever have hoped.

 

Coming back to Cumbria and spending time with his parents had been a revelation. He'd forgotten how good it felt to be part of a family...to be supported...to be loved unconditionally. Meeting Hannah had made him realise how much was missing from his life and once back in Cumbria it had slowly dawned on him that he never wanted to leave. The realisation that Hannah felt the same had left him feeling euphoric with happiness and relief.

 

Despite a mild terror that it would all be horribly uncomfortable, the reunion with his parents had been a good one. There were inevitably some awkward moments but after some gentle persuasion from Hannah, Lucas had agreed to open up completely about his experiences in the Russian prison. He'd found it especially difficult seeing the anguish on his mother's face. Some of the things he told them had surpassed all their worst fears and he was aware that knowing what was done to him would haunt them forever. When he described feeling that he'd reached the limit of his endurance, was sure all hope was lost, and had decided to end it all, he'd hung his head in shame. He was sure that knowing he'd tried to hang himself would be something with which they would never come to terms. But sitting there with his head in his hands, tears running down his face, the memories still all too clear, he found himself surrounded by love and understanding. Hannah and his mother had wrapped their arms around him, shedding their own tears as they shared his pain.

 

After sharing some of his darkest memories, Lucas had been worried about his father's reaction. While his mother and Hannah had made no attempt to hide their grief and horror his father had been stoical and distant. Lucas had lain awake that night fearing that all the progress he'd made in building bridges had gone to waste but the next day his father had suggested they go for a long walk. Unsurprisingly there'd been some recriminations from Lucas, and some repentance from his father. There'd been tears and laughter from them both but the walk had ended in a pint at the local pub and some reminiscing. Their relationship was now relaxed and easy and if anything, Lucas felt they were closer now than they ever were before.

 

Getting a dog had been Hannah's idea but Lucas had found himself inexplicably and immediately attached to this bundle of energy. He found Cadbury's unstinting loyalty and adoration a great comfort; many a long walk had resulted in the pair of them sitting together on some rocky outcrop while Lucas confided his deepest and darkest memories. It wasn't as if he couldn't confide in Hannah, he just found that sometimes he needed to say things out loud that he knew he could never tell her. With her encouragement he'd been brutally honest with his parents and her about his experience in Russia, but there were still things he kept from them. The dog was happy to sit and listen and lick away Lucas's tears but would never look at him differently as he knew they would. He realised that keeping even a small part of his trauma locked away was possibly a mistake but, he just couldn't bear the thought of them knowing about some of the more perverse tortures he'd been subjected to, and anyway, Cadbury was a good listener.

 

As he made his way back to the house, the rain and wind finally becoming too much, Lucas thought about the difference the move had made to Hannah. She'd positively blossomed in the fresh air and watching her confidence grow had brought him great joy. Every time he stared into those gorgeous pale green eyes he fell a little bit more in love with her. He knew that without her he'd still be fighting his demons in a pit of loneliness and for that he would always be grateful. His one worry was her unresolved relationship with Jack. Having rebuilt bridges with his own parents he wished things could be simpler for Hannah. It was something that would take time and in the meantime he would support her however she chose to deal with it.

 

As soon as he opened the front door Cadbury dashed inside and Lucas grinned as he watched the dog cover Hannah in muddy paw prints. Once she turned her attention to him he quickly slipped his arms around her and pulled her close, unable to resist. When she pulled him up the stairs he eagerly followed, throwing his jacket over the banister before wrapping his arms around her as they reached the landing. Bending his head he kissed her, moving his lips softly over hers. Her lips parted and he felt her tongue gently explore his mouth, eliciting a groan of pleasure from him. Still kissing her he lifted her in his arms and carried her through to the bedroom. As they fell onto the bed in a tangle of limbs their lips separated and Hannah giggled.

 

Lucas raised an eyebrow, "What's so funny?"

 

"You're making me wet!" Hannah ruffled his still dripping hair.

 

Lucas smirked and raised his other eyebrow, "Oh really?"

 

Hannah gave him a playful punch and rolled her eyes, "You know what I meant!"

 

"Someone was supposed to be helping me out of these wet clothes." Lucas pulled his jumper over his head.

 

Hannah leaned back on the pillows and folded her arms, "Well don't let me stop you now you've started." She giggled again.

 

Blushing slightly, not quite able to believe he was about to do this, Lucas got off the bed and stood up, "You want me to strip for you?"

 

Hannah nodded.

 

Unable to ever deny her anything, Lucas slowly and somewhat self-consciously started to undress. He was surprised to find Hannah's look of pure pleasure distinctly arousing and as he slid his jeans down his legs he was further excited to see she'd started to remove her own clothes. Before she could remove her underwear, Lucas climbed back onto the bed and slid his now naked body over hers.

 

"Let me do that," he growled softly, as he reached behind her to undo her bra. Pulling it away from her body he kissed her passionately before slowly kissing his way down her body, finding all those sensitive spots he knew so well, making her moan and arch her back under him. He loved the little noises of pleasure she made, those sounds that were only ever heard by him. He delighted in her enjoyment and never tired of having her wrapped around his body as they reached new heights of ecstasy each time they made love.

 

A thought made Lucas lift his head...something that had been floating around his mind for a couple of weeks.

 

\--

 

Hannah opened her eyes, aware that something had made Lucas stop what he was doing. He was gazing at her, not so much with desire but definitely with love. She held her arms out, "Come here sweetheart."

 

Lucas moved back up her body and settled in her arms, his fingers idly tracing a line across her stomach. Hannah waited, sensing he was trying to collect his thoughts.

 

He laced his fingers through hers, "I don't suppose this is the right moment...but..." he lifted her hand to his lips and kissed it gently.

 

"For what?" Hannah frowned slightly not sure if she should be nervous.

 

"I love you...you're my whole world. Without you I'd be..." he lifted his head and looked at her, his blue eyes shining, "You saved me Hannah. I've never been as happy as I have these last 6 months."

 

"I know...you saved me too." Hannah reached up and stroked his cheek tenderly, a lump forming in her throat.

 

"Marry me..." Lucas pressed his forehead to hers. "Marry me," he repeated. "I know we're going to spend the rest of our lives together and I want to do it as man and..."

 

"Yes." It came out more as a sob so Hannah nodded vigorously, unable to utter another word.

 

Lucas gathered her into his arms, showering her face with kisses, laughing happily. Hannah simply burst into tears of joy.

 

\--

 

Lucas hadn't intended to ask her to marry him in the middle of lovemaking. He had hoped to pick some suitably romantic setting and go down on one knee but, in the end, there seemed to be no better moment than while he was lying naked in her arms. To hear Hannah say yes was simply the best feeling in the world. To know that she would be his wife...hopefully the mother of his children...Lucas had never known happiness like this before. Never again would he feel the terror...the cold dread of loneliness. And neither would she.

 

Lucas kissed away her tears and for a few minutes they just lay side by side, gazing at each other, unable to stop smiling. Eventually, unable to hold back, Lucas pulled her against him and staring into her rapidly darkening eyes he whispered, "I love you."

 

"And I love you." Hannah stared back, her breath quickening.

 

"Now where were we?" Without waiting for an answer, Lucas closed the gap between them and kissed his future wife hungrily.

 


End file.
